Unyc: Half this game is ninety percent mental.

2008-12-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

ADAM MAGAZINE: Plagiarism or what?

Can you check out the resemblance? Hmmm...

Compare this:

To our very own:

2008-09-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

ISHIKE RADIO REPRESENTING

Its September 1st which means this months ISHIKE RADIO Series. This Months ISHIKE RADIO Series features tons of world premiers from Jua Cali Feat Mejja (Bongo La Biashara), MwanaFa, Juma Nature, K-Nel, Indiginas, Ken Razy, DNA, Mad Traxx, Mejja and Many more. This months ISHIKE RADIO is hosted by Stars Limit artist K-Nel in anticipation of his street album KENYAWOOD dropping in Sep 08.
http://www.zshare.net/audio/1757056074216ed0/

Tracklisting

1. ISHIKE Radio Part 9 Intro
2. K-Nel – Mimi Ni Hustla
3. MwanaFalsafa – Bado Nipo
4. Berry Black and Ali Kiba - Utamu wa Penzi
5. Game - Dope Boyz
6. Ali Kiba – Mac Muga
7. Mad Traxx, Mejja and Jimwat – Roundi Hii
8. K-Nel – Free Style (Dj Dona Exclusive)
9. Bishop Lamont – Grow Up
10. Pasha – Ni Soo
11. Adili – Jawabu
12. K-Nel – Change The World
13. Frasha – Manze
14. Nameless – Party A
15. Q. Jay Feat Joe Makini – Sitorudi
16.Ngwea - Bwii
17. Indiginas – Got To Know
18. K-Nel Interlude
19. K-Nel Feat Tupac, Notorious BIG and Big L – Deadly Combination
20. Jua Cali and Mejja – Bongo La Bishara
21. Chameleon and MwanFalsfa- Bounce
22. Ken Razy Feat Kizo B– Napenda Unavyojitokeza
23. DNA - Kama Kawaida
24. Mejja Feat. Sheena –Asante Majengo
25. Juma Nature – Lakavunda
26. G-Solo – Wacha Party Ianze
27. Prof Jay – Nangatuka
28. Lyrical Assasins – Chini Chini
29. ISHIKE Radio Part 9 Outro-- ISHIKE!!!!!DJ DonaDj/Producer

www.djdona.com www.myspace.com/donaproductions

2008-06-11T09:19:00.000-07:00

EXCUSES FOR BEING LATE

I found this quite interesting. Try this with one of your bosses and tell me how it goes. Good luck! :)

One-in-five admit to making up fake excuses to explain their tardiness. Hiring managers provided the following 10 examples of the most unusual excuses employees offered for arriving late to work:

1. I dreamed that I was fired, so I didn't bother to get out of bed.
2. I had to take my cat to the dentist.
3. I went all the way to the office and realized I was still in my pajamas and had to go home to change.
4. I saw that you weren't in the office, so I went out looking for you.
5. I couldn't find the right tie, so I had to wait for the stores to open so I could buy one.
6. My son tried to flush our ferret down the toilet and I needed to tend to the ferret.
7. I ran over a goat.
8. I stopped for a bagel sandwich, the store was robbed and the police required everyone to stay for questioning.
9. A bee flew in my car and attacked me and I had to pull over.
10. I wet my pants and went home to change.

Source:Careerbuilder.com

2008-06-04T09:11:00.000-07:00

SAFARICOM GROW UP!

Right now am not at all amused with this network that made some crazy profit and then came up with the most ridiculous idea of free talk time.

Have you tried calling from around 8pm? The bloody calls do not go through. Then my bonga points are not adding up anymore. Am really pissed!

This is just to beat Celtel but Safaricom i got news for you! Its actually a blessing in disguise for Celtel. Why?
First of all you are about to lose me as your client.
Second, Celtel has become far cheaper than you.
Third, Celtel is never congested and their coverage is far much better than yours.
Fourth, do not get me started on your share allocation. WTF! You give us 21%. Everyone is entitled to the 2,000 shares that you so diligently advertised as the least one can buy so thats the least we expect. Some of us put a great deal of money so we expected good returns.

Michael Joseph you are probably one of the best CEO's this country has ever seen but some of the decisions you make do not go well with "peculiar calling habits" of Kenyans as you once said. This offer is going to last for a month! A month of pain and suffering. What if I get sick and I need urgent help? What if my neighbour has robbers in her house but through a phonecall she can save herself but thanks to Safcom she cannot call? What if there is an emergency at home and i need to get my parents? What if.....
What if you can scrap the free offer and we continue paying for our calls?

We do not need free calls coz your system cannot handle the 10million subscribers at all!

2008-02-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

18 till i die!!

Hey i gave u this storo last year and unless i was born twice...i stick by it!!!

Smiling coyly at him, he was taken by her. It was love at first sight. He thot to himself, “God, did u just drop your wife from heaven. Just know that was the biggest mistake you did.” Dressed in a black dress and matching shoes, she looked really hot. The fact that she was ‘yellow’ did not help matters. Beautiful was an understatement. Miss Pretty was looking yummy and Daddy Yankee was flabbergasted. When he managed to utter some words it was, “Hello, let’s take a walk”…hehee. Miss Pretty giggles and is drawing all sorts of maps with her eyes. She even managed to draw the eighth continent!! “Where did this TDH come from?”

After that many more dates followed and they were both smitten. They fell head over heels in love with each other and no moment passed without one of them making it clear to the other. Daddy yankee was mesmerized.

One day they are taking a walk and Daddy Yankee gets on his knees and asks, “Will u marry me Princess?” Miss Pretty who had dreamt of this moment since the tyme she laid eyes on him answers ecstatically, “Yes my love I will.” Daddy Yankee and Miss Pretty follow all traditional customs of dowry and other gibberish required. They become husband and wife and move in together. Daddy yankee had put up a big house in the hope that he would get a wife soon and sure enuf he had landed himself an angel. Two years down the line they were madly in love and something spectacular happened.

“Get me outta here…” Baby Nameless twirled in the womb was tired of waiting any more. This was the ninth month and there were no signs of being let out. “How many friggin months will I be in here, TWELVE?” Baby was clearly devastated. To unleash her anger she kicked so hard that Miss Pretty let out a scream. Baby was beside herself with joy. “Maybe if I kick harder she’ll let me out of this stomach…did u just have pumpkin for lunch…yuck!!!” Baby kicks again ad Miss Pretty, clearly in pain lets out a scream. “Hehee…that’s what u get for keeping me here for nine months…Get me the fuckout!” Baby kicks again and is rolling on the womb laughing …

Miss Pretty is worried. Labour pains and baby is kicking so hard…”Daddy Yankeeeeeeee. I think my water is about to break” Daddy yankee in the bedroom glued to his newspaper says, “How can the water break when I have built a strong concrete tank. It’s the best in this town u know” He throws the newspaper on the bed and walks 2 the sitting room…”Whats with the sneer woman?”… Mrs Yankee filled with Pregnancy rage screams, “I don’t mean that water…you…you…just get the car and get me to hospital like NOW!!!” Daddy yankee finally realizes what is going on and dashes out to get the car. “Hang on love…our baby is comin” Daddy Yankee jumps up n down as he heads for the garage.
Baby now confused wonders what is going on out there. Too much commotion. Tired of kicking baby decides to relax and take a nap.

“Push Push…” Baby is awakened from her deep slumber. “What am I supposed 2 push? I cant push I can only kick.” Baby kicks so hard that Miss Pretty lets out a shrill. Still the same voices saying, “Push push…” In a minute baby is moving and excitement is registered on her face. “Finally am out of this womb pit…”

“WTF!! Who are these people?” Baby looks around and four people are looking at her. “Quit staring at me. What do I look like, a baby rat! Sheesh!...Woman (looking at her mum) funga mlango kibaki anapita”….The doctor announces it’s a baby gal and everyone in the room is excited esp daddy yankee. He takes her from the nurse and kisses her forehead before handing her to Mrs Yankee. “ She’s so adorable”. Baby looks up at her mum, “Hey baby mama. It was disgusting in there, Am sure glad 2 be out. Why u all big like that anyway?”

Doctor asks, “So what are you going to call her?” Mrs Yankee looks at Daddy Yankee smiling and says, “Unyc” .

And so Unyc was born on 22nd February _ _ _ _(jijazie).

2008-01-26T00:53:00.000-08:00

PEACE...

Happy New Year everyone...well not so happy...

The Post-election aftermath has caught many unawares and many have fallen victim to the killers and arsonists in different parts of the country. Some of my close relatives in Nakuru and Eldoret have not being spared either and all we do is hope and pray that PEACE is going to prevail real soon. What happened to the spirit of neighbourliness? When did your neighbour start shedding luo, kikuyu or kalenjin blood? Is poverty leading to people using the elections as a means to express their anger? What is going on?

Am happy with the way Kofi Annan handled the situation. Getting the two leaders to shake hands to me was quite a big step. There was renewed hope. At least i want to believe so. Kenyans should embrace each other and go back to the way we were before, brothers and sisters. We have been for long time an example in maintaining peace. God forbid, none of us wants to head to the way that Rwanda did. We can do better. We are ambassadors of peace World over.

Let's pray for Peace.

Let's uphold Peace.

Let's preach Peace.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

I was deprived of my sweet freedom to offer my undivided attention to my blog. Last time with the 'Vocabulary unleashed' was just a way to entice myself to blog. I know I left an unfinished story but I purely blame guest blogger (ulienda wapi kwanza).

Last year was good and i experienced so much. I think it was my most challenging year ever!! Experiences that I have gone through and others that I have witnessed have given me a new oulook on life.

There were some great movies, (Blood Diamond, Last king of Scotland, Transformers etc)

and some of my favourites scooping awards. Others were just dull and did not meet the hype that was all about them.

Then i met a wonderful man (mwaah), got a new job, continued to experience God's grace and did some travelling in different places with the best being ...think Queen Elizabeth's trip to Kenya ages ago...precious place.

Ofcourse there were the downs like losing family friends to one Matheri. I still wonder if they said he was a good person at his funeral. Why can't people just give the real truth. If Unyc was a b****, say it! I will not haunt you...or will I? The crazy ass politics that has led to all hell had some side shows of its own. The ads...the ad agencies must be wallowing in the miasma of the cheddar. You thot Kencell (now Celtel) had some mad compe with the Safcom but PNU and ODM take the Unyrammy Award.

I hope you all have good year...blog, blog and blog!!

Shout out to Don Q....gr8 to have you back dear!

2007-11-15T04:21:00.001-08:00

Vocab Unleashed...

“In promulgating your esoteric cogitations or articulating your superficial sentimentalities, and amicable philosophical or psychological observations, beware of platitudinous ponderosa. Let your conversational communications possess a compacted conciseness, a clarified comprehensibility, a coalescent cogency, and a concatenated consistency. Eschew obfuscation and all conglomerations of flatulent garrulity, jejune rabblement, and asinine affectations. Let your extemporaneous descanting and unpremeditated expatiations have intelligibility and voracious vivacity without rodomontade or thrasonical bombast. Sedulously avoid all polysyllabic profundity, pompous prolificacy, and vain vapid verbosity”.

In short "Be brief and don't use big words!!!!"

2007-11-15T04:21:00.000-08:00

2007-10-31T10:05:00.000-07:00

SEEMS LIKE FOREVER...

To say i have missed blogging wld be an understatement. I hate being away for this long especially coz i had not planned for it. Am still settling at my new job and so far so good.

Then i come back to find some serious spaming in my blog. any1 with advice on how 2 deal with that? For now its comment moderation.

I have some serious catching up from all the wonderful blogs from u guyz.

I'll be back with a post yenye iko na kichwa na miguu.

Continue PaNUaing and cOnDoMing... :)

2007-08-25T08:37:00.000-07:00

What an Ad!

Is it just me or are the safcom ad for the Kwachua promotion totally annnoying. This is both on Radio and TV and trust me everytyme i watch it or hear it on air i feel like i wonna loose it. Aaarrrggghhhh!!!! ok i do loose it!

The TV one for example is just so fake riverwood would clearly do a better job than that. The ad would have been done by an amateur for all i know. A company like safcom who have in the past used adverts that make u 'wow' have definitely not done that with the Kwachua ad. There is an ad they did for the shinda milioni with the cucu doing a serious stunt. NOw that was really creative! This kwachua one they have a cucu jumping maasai style and a notch higher is just fake and boring! Just coz the first cucu was gr8 doesn't mean they should use cucu's again. Be creative like the matau poa ad where they used a trash bin n all.

Then the radio one...the song......wuuuiii (ya'll scream with me).....take it off air pliiiz!!!
The Celtel ad for shuka shuka tariff on radio where they have used the banjuka song is also quite bad but kinda better than the safcom.

Whichever advertising firms they r using and the copywriters, they need 2 up their game coz they had set a class b4 which has quickly deteriorated in the current ads!!

......Havent started jobo yet because of a few papers am missing out so say a kasilent prayer for me.

2007-08-16T23:39:00.000-07:00

Just come from the 2nd interview and i got the results on the spot.....

I GOT THE JOB!!!

THANK GOD!!

2007-08-15T01:07:00.000-07:00

AS IN....

Maybe u guyz know this but i have just found out 2day that u can actually miss out on a job if u have no telephone contacts for the person that referred you to that position especially coz it was not advertised.

I was referred to this job by a blogger (thank u dear) and yesterday i got a phone call when i was in tao on my way home. It was almost 5pm and i had a long day enrolling my sis in Catholic Uni so i was just looking forward 2 a shower and some nice coffee b4 i get 2 bed for like an hr. The mamsilla said I should report for an interview next day (2day) at 10am. I go online chap chap to research on the company and was armed with info.

I was the 2nd 2 arrive and later on several peeps in the Kenya Tarmacking Network joined us as we waited 2 be called for the interview. Then i met a pal who i had no idea works there and he assures me the test takes 10mins and its so darn easy! I relax thruout after that.

Half an hr later we are called and taken to a boardroom and some of the interviewees r nervous wrecks. They look like they could actually jump from that floor down just 2 avoid the test. For me am sawa coz my pal has reassured me ati all is timam and am just checking guyz out (not in that way though there was a cute one....) and trying to c who is the most scared. Trust me there was one lady who looked scared shitless and the job she is applyin for....but maybe the "don't judge a book by its cover" applies here.

So we are given the test and its ok, ten minutes like i had been informed and i was done in 5 mins. Now the interviewer says we write down the name of the person who referred us to the job and their telephone contacts. Now this particular blogger i got no clue what his number is let alone his second name. Wewe! Wewe! That interviewer starts asking me why dont i have his contacts, thats not a good sign....story mob.....and then she returns my paper am like shit! What is this! She later comes back n picks my paper, looks at me and walks away.

There is a second interview and just because of that, i might actually miss out!

Check out this link, most beautiful Nairobi pics i have seen. http://www.nairaland.com/nigeria/topic-51356.0.html

2007-07-24T02:31:00.000-07:00

Tagged by Gish and Wazimu aina Tatu....

The RULES;

1)WE HAVE TO POST THESE RULES BEFORE WE GIVE YOU THE FACTS.

2)PLAYERS START WITH 8 RANDOM FACTS/HABITS ABOUT THEMSELVES.

3)PEOPLE WHO ARE TAGGED NEED TO WRITE THEIR OWN BLOG AND THEIR 8 THINGS AND POST THESE.

4) AT THE END OF YOUR BLOG POST, YOU NEED TO CHOOSE 8 PEOPLE TO GET TAGGED AND LIST THEIR NAMES.(BE afraid, be very afraid!!!!!!!!!)

5)DON'T FORGET TO LEAVE THEM A COMMENT TELLING THEM THEY ARE TAGGED, AND TO READ YOUR BLOG

So here are my 8 Stuff about me....

1. I do not take red meat since i was born. My parents have taken me 2 hospitals sijui tried this herbal drinks so i can kula n mind u it worked on my relas except me. I am just a white meat person. N bcoz of that i can chinja a kuku very well, kata the neck, chuck the feathers and perform surgery very well...

2. My fav colours are black, purple, baby blue and white. I like trying out others just for pure adventure but those 4 just do it for me. I wish in KENya we had a dress up crazy day and u r free 2 wear ten coours n the most creative 2 win. Trust me i'd get that reward...got so many ideas....lool

3. Like Klara's love for Lexus, i Love Cars!!! I usually zubaa when i spot a car that i love. I pitia DT Dobie 2 chungulia that Chrysler...its 2 die for. I love the BMW X5 n X3, the Subaru Tribeca, Fortuner and another Rexton that drained me. The range r gd 2.

4. Early Last year i actually realised one of my dreams and started a magazine for university students. It was gr8 getting positive feedback from fellow students. Only bad thing was our marketing strategy was mbaya n we are yet 2 release another issue. I just look at the mag and say anything is possible. Working 2 revive it so watch this space....

5. I have a very special man in my life. His everything i ever wanted in a man and am surely blessed 2 have him. Best thing to have hpnd in ma life this year and no regrets at all.

6. I used 2 be a silent killer. Deflate pple's cars, dandia vehicles, use rubberbands 2 twanga pple and climb trees, fences.....wah!! with my bro and primo pals in tow. that was one carzy childhood life.

7. I love shopping!! am the worst person 2 go shopping with coz we hv 2 stop like in every other shop i c smein i like n trust me they r everywhere. I love going out there 2 admire and for those that i cant afford just get motivated 2 get me a gd job n get the mullah coz u wont buy anything when broke now will u?

8. Am addicted 2 two things....tea and my phone!!Sometimes i think i have Luhya blood in me coz i love Tea 2 much. If i dont take tea in the mrng am screwed!! Headache mbaya.
as for my phone, even my zaks got issues with that n my pals. what cn i do 2 stop? I shudder at the thot when i get those super phones like the iphone, N series ...

Seems every1 has been tagged 2 do this. If u soma this n u r arent tagged consider urself tagged, coz tagged is the way 2 be tagged when being tagged and tagging others like u aint tagging nobody.....aiiight!!!

lakini EGM, Chatterly, Eddiiee, Bants, Jo and U...

peace!

2007-07-12T10:40:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the delay guyz....

Mrs Aegeus walked into carnivore all dressed in a tube top and a black mini, which looked like a belt. Her non-identical twins looked like they’d pop out. Boyflani saw her come in and could not help but smile. He was dipping his pen in the inkpot that his brother and Mr Aegeus were. He knew if his brother found out he’d be in so much shit-but that made it even juicier.

Kirima and crew found a spot to sit and they start going over the accident encounter. Archer was still in shock after Chatterly ran to a guy who looked like a sumo wrestler. He decided 2 walk over 2 them and get chatterly back. Clearly that was not her hubby as she didn’t have a ring. Archer had a rule, “As long as a woman is alive and active…minus the ring, she’s free.”

“Excuse me but I’m with her.” Archer says putting on a ‘don’t mess with me look’. Chatterly was flabbergasted. She had just met this guy and he was into her like that. Tato with his small spud was nonetheless a charmer and very wealthy. She thot Archer would serve that satisfaction purpose. She moved her eyes and noticed a bulge from his trousers. Fantastic!! Tato was taken aback by Archer’s approach. Didn’t he look at his body size b4 he came jostling towards him? Tato rubbin his tummy, “Dude go get urself a whore. This is my lady.” Archer could not believe what he heard from a guy who looked like he had swallowed a mattress and about to burp a pillow. All of a sudden Archer had grabbed a bottle of Guiness from a nearby table and threw it towards Tato. The bottle disappeared into his belly button. Tato then picked another bottle n threw it towards Archer which landed on his head shattering into pieces. A bar brawl had just began.

Kirima and Bomseh rushed to Archer’s rescue. A scuffle ensued and fists were exchanged from all sides. Tato got back up from some guys and so did Archer. Boyflani threw a bottle after he saw the scuffle and it landed on Kirima’s head. Kirima stood still then staggered and in a few seconds lost balance and started to fall…

Betty who had finally arrived after hitch hiking was totally pissed. She couldnt believe that was disregarded like that. She was gonna give Kirima and Bomseh a piece of her itsy bitty betty mind. She was limping, since one of her heels had broken off. Livid she was. She didn’t even hear the muffled yells of Mwangi and 3N in the back of a van that she passed by. They had been tied up, hands behind their backs, blindfolded and like roast ducks had apples shoved up their mouths. 3N stripped to his boxers…unfortunately for Mwangi he was wearing his lucky purple thongs. Both shivering in the dark. Initially they thought this was foreplay but when 3N was whacked in the mouth with the car spanner…it was more than sadomasochism. The gents did not know that HnH and MamaShady were mass murderers, who were out to avenge for all women scorned men. Their motto “Over YOUR dead body!”

As soon as Betty entered she saw Kirima falling backwards. His neck crashed into a stool, snapping his head forward. His body jerked then proceeded to land with a thud as his head bounced off the floor. That scene was graphic. Hate turned to concern. She dashed towards him.

Scared and worried a creepy feeling crept inside her and chilled her to her chapped calloused nipples. It did not look good. Blood was dripping through the ear then some clear yellow fluid. He was not responding he just lay there. She did not know what to do. He had no pulse. Archer and Bomseh tried first aid on him, arguing on how many chest compressions to give per breath. However it seemed not to matter. Things were in slow motion yet seem to happen so fast. Kirima was not responding at all. Tears started rolling down Betty’s eyes. “Kirima! NO! NO! Wake up!” she tried to nudge him. Pupils were fixed. “NO! Please get up! God No! NO!” She grabbed scrawny Bomseh. “What the fuck happened?” Bomseh just looked at her. He could not understand why Betty was behaving that way afterall they had picked Kirima from the road. “Kirima wake up, I’m baring our child…Oh God I shud have told you sooner…GOD…someone call an ambulance!” IT was at that moment that it became obvious. His body had turned cold. Extremeties were pale…Betty started shaking Kirima violently…initially begging him to wake up and now demanding him. Kirima was dead! Bomseh held her and led her away from the scene. He was still trying 2 comprehend what he had just heard. Betty knew Kirima b4 n was pregnant with his child? Archer covered his body with a nearby table cloth.

Boyflani was shaking in the distance, Mrs Aegeus was dying to hold him and comfort him but not in public. Chatterly was now in a confused state. This fight had been brought about becoz of her. She ran for dear life. She almost knocked over the bouncers manning the exit area of carni. She ran towards the main road. Tato too was stunned, speechless, he just stood there…but the silence was broken when the bottle in his belly button popped out and dropped.

….Meanwhile…

Milo and Crew had frisked EGM. “Can I request something at least?” EGM looks at the gang leader Milo. “Pliz drive me back 2 the hotel or give me a hundred bob I board a matatu” Bants and Spidey burst out in laughter. Bants still admiring his newly acquired phone. Milo bitch-slaps EGM and shoves him to the ground. Spidey digs into his lice infected crotch and throws a 5 cent coin 2 EGM n bursts out again. They get into the car and leave EGM all by himself in the forest area.

Modo finished his Malt and decided 2 take a cab home. He paid for his drink n the burly waitress Wamaitha could not believe the handsome (as per her good left eye) dreadlocked guy was leaving. She tried talking him into taking her home but he would hear none of it. He left Wamaitha in a bad mood. She had anticipated a night with him, hoping he would explore the places that sound had never reached let alone sunlight.

Modo left and found a cab just outside the bar. Just as he was getting in he calls Bomseh.

Bomseh: Hello. (in a sullen tone)
Modo: Wsup. Where u at?
Bomseh: Still at Carni….Something bad just happened. It’s a long story.
Modo: What happened.
Bomseh: A guy called Kirima that we helped out earlier had an accident…he hit his head on a stool…and…

Modo could not believe what he heard. That was the same guy that had almost hit him n instead hit a tree. Sheer bad luck!! Distrought by the news he went back and called Wamaitha…perhaps he was in dire need of hammering a “hummer”. As burly as Wamaitha is, he might as well lose himself in her and forget the world exists. Wamaitha could not believe it when Modo kissed her lips which had never experienced lipbalm. It was like kissing cactus.

As EGM was walking trying to find a lift. A van with a pair of lovely ladies stopped to give him a lift. They introduced themselves as HnH and MamaShady. He hopped in relieved that his horrendous ordeal was going to be over. The radio played loudly masking the sounds of Mwangi and 3N writhing in the back. The journey was going well, EGM snuggled comfortably in the seat. News started on the radio. Something about an accident in carnivore. Something else about some slums that burnt down. Some politician declaring his interest in a certain constituency. And some warning bout males aged between 25-35 going missing or ending up dead after being seen in the presence of 2 beautiful ladies. EGM, though did not fall in that age group broke into a sweat. He looked at the pubescent HnH, and she looked at him with a gleam in her eye…

To be continued.

2007-07-03T10:12:00.000-07:00

Ladies Drooool......

Post coming up on Thursday......

2007-06-15T06:51:00.000-07:00

Part 111

Get urself some popcorn, pour some muratina/busaa for urself n get ready for the hottest meanest Collabo of Unyc and a certain Guest Blogger....

Archer, Bomseh and Betty rushed to the car and noticed there were two passengers. “Bomseh, go over to the driver’s side and check if he’s ok.” Archer ordered hastily-he took control of the situation unlike First-Aid class drop-out he was. The lady in the passenger’s seat was ok but in shock. “Thank God you are fine.” Archer says as he gets her out of the car. Bomseh played his role reluctantly, unhappy that he ended up helping Kirima. He loathed the fact that Archer was all over Chatterly, who seemed to play that damsel in distress bit like the tease she was. Bomseh helped a sweaty Kirima onto the pavement who kept muttering incoherencies. Chatterly, grateful that she had worn clean underwear (like her mama had taught her) fainted into the arms of Archer. Archer gently lay her down delicately like a porcelain doll. Bomseh tried to run to her rescue but Kirima was clutching at him grunting “…car loan!...help me…nifanyeje!” Archer unbuttoned Chatterly’s blouse…ready to kiss her back to life…like he had learnt on that manikin named Dolly in First Aid Class. This time with a little more restraint-he was not going to try to mount her like he had back then. Pursed his lips, tucked the 3hr old chewing gum huko nyuma at the back of his tongue and went to …

The cops that were chasing Modo stopped at the accident scene and interrupted Archer who was there with his quivering quiver full of arrows . Within minutes the written-off car was being towed away to Lang’ata Cops station and Chatterly had already come to. “Do u guys need a lift? We could drop you off home.” Archer offered as he scanned the ladies finger for a wedding ring. She didn’t have any and he was happy about it. “We were on our way to Carnivore and we will still head there.” Kirima says not one to be deterred by the car-loss. “Great! We are heading there too.” Bomseh offers. They get into Helen Bandia and head to Carnivore.

In Carni, 3N and Mwangi turn and look at Mama Shady with her pal. Finally some hot mama’s. Within minutes Ichiena, HnH, Nakeel and Shiro also walk in. Ichi n HnH rush to the dance floor without wasting tyme. Dancehall nite was kicking and the ladies got into the mix. Mwangi started making Isikuti dance moves to Beenie man’s ragga track trying to catch the gal’s attention. He looked like a public circumcision gone 1 inch wrong!! 3N on the other hand sees Mama Shady and targets her. After all, her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard… Mama Shady and 3N get entwined in a forbidden dance.

Later on Shiro and Nakeel joined in and they danced to oblivion. It was refreshing to see Shiroh a recovering alcoholic so happy with life. Almost inspiring. A few hours later it was time to go. Mama Shady kept being interrupted by her househelp ati Shady is trying to flush the kitten…she could care less tonight she was throwing caution to the wind. She left with 3N who had her in stitches when he explained how he got his nickname. Apparently he used to eat 3 eggs every morning when he was a tot. He thought eggs were called ‘hen.’ So he’d throw breakfast tantrums, demanding with the limited vocabulary -but unlimited kao accent “3 N” “ni ng’wenda kulia 3 en”

Mama shady was sold-she loved her muthokoi and her kamba men! 3Hen loved his older women. Match made in heaven!

Mwangi on the other hand had to choose between Ichiena and HnH. He liked tha catholic schoolgirl dressing Ichiena had. Pigtails and lotsa lip gloss and lotsa facial glitter and lotsa attitude and lotsa bubble gum and stockings that went all the way to her armpit. TOTAL TRAMP! On the other hand HnH was so teenage looking, so pubescent…so unchartered…so undiscovered…pure like a golf-course. Mwangi was sure this was the grass for his flag. He dissed the rough terrain of Ichiena and went home with the meadow.

Archer, Bomseh, Chatterly and Kirima walk into Carni. They moved to the bar and stood there. Archer seemed to be making headway with a very interested Chatterly. She giggled on cue, laughed at his jokes while throwing her hair back, stroked his arm when she was talking to him…straightened his collar...complimented the fact that he wore buttons instead of a zip in his corduroy pants…she called him special. All the signs were there-chemistry!! He was so in there..until she received a phone call. “Hello…where are you? yeah we’re here at the bar, …I can’t see you…or there you are let me come to you!” And with that she dismissed Archer with “Weh msee Tuchekiane!”

She run off yelling “Sweetie…Tato…I’m here!” and she jumped into the arms of her beau pecking his double sized neck with undying love!” Tato didn’t like this public display of affection, especially after she made him drop his porn DVD’s. Knowing Tato these were Director’s cut’s which he had borrowed so that he and Chatterly would be enthused in the behind the scenes. “Pirates of the Curly Labia” starring Johnny Deep was a must watch. She hated porn…she hated the false hope it gave her when she was with Tato…she loved the Tato…it’s the little spud she had a problem with!

Modo was now in a state of quagmire. He could not go home and he was sure his parents were really mad at him. He had managed to lose the cops and ended up at some dingy bar in Nairobi west. “Malt baridi” he asked the amorphous waitress on his lap playing with his dreads and rubbing his forehead. He had loved his dreads but not the burly Wamaitha! This had the makings of a terrible night…

EGM wakes up at around 1 am and feels the urge to go to Carni. He showers, dresses up, kisses his camera goodnight and goes down to take a cab. Milo, the cab-driver who loves his job regardless notices EGM and pulls up to him. A little like Richard Gere to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but that’s besides the point. Inappropriately the song playing on the radio is “…pull up to my bumper baby!”

Milo: ‘Sup!

EGM: Wassup!

Milo: Do you want a ride?

EGM: Do you want to give me a ride?

Milo: Do you want me to want you to want me to give you a ride?

EGM: How much to Carni?

Milo: Mmm so you like steak

EGM: Yeah…nothing like tender rump roast

Milo: Yeah?

EGM: Yeah!...so how much?

Milo: 1200 ..but without safety belt 1500

EGM answers in the affirmative, the price and does not bargain. Milo smiles coz he had doubled the fare and dude had not noticed. Happy that he had clenched oops clinched the deal he drives off. On the way, Milo makes a call, “Niaje mko wapi?...Mko na small bro?... Poa na come kuwapick niko na client hapa.” EGM looks at Milo, “Ur brother?” Milo pretending 2 concentrate more on driving, “Yes, They want to go to Carni too so I promised to pick them up and drop them if I get a client heading there.” EGM shrugs it off feeling cheap and says, “cool”. Milo looks out the window and smiles.

Milo stops at the Nairobi west stage and sure enuf his supposed brothers are waiting for him. They both enter the back seat and Milo drives off. “These are my bro’s.”

EGM gets sandwiched between Spidey and Bants. Cold stares greet him and not a word comes from them. “Your bro’s are not a friendly lot.” EGM whimpers he whips out baby-wipes and mops his brow. Milo replies coyly, “They are shy.”

Spidey’s sweat fills the air…a cross between a carpenter at 4pm and a pre-rexona showering mboch at 11 am. And that was on EGM’s right…to the left (everything in a box to the left) there was Bants chewing kiraiku …munching loudly and spitting violently in a polythene bag he had with him.

Driving down Lang’ata road Milo passes the entrance to Carni. EGM points it out and Milo ignores him. “What is going on here? Who are you people?” Milo drives towards Rongai and enters some forest and comes 2 a halt. “Get out of the Car. Toka! Out! ” EGM does as he’s told. Milo’s ‘bros’ also come out and start frisking EGM. Inappropriately the song playing on radio is “Frisky” by that defunct TZ group. Spidey chucking a serviette from his tight spidey suit in an opening near his groin, “Lets stuff some of these in his mouth.” EGM offers his baby-wipes…Milo silences EGM with a slap. Bants was there singing “…now why don’t you slap my face because I’m Bants...I’m Bants…you know it I’m Bants…and the whole world has to answer right now…and I tell you once again…I’m Bants!!!” With that he stood on his toes and spat out more tobacco.

“Huyu msee ana chapaa, kwanza ana dollar!” says Spidey. Bants was could not believe the type of phone EGM had. They would get a good deal for it. Perhaps with the cash they would get Spidey cured. He had that ugonjwa ..ile ya kuonana kimwili. Poor Spidey had gotten more than he had bargained for from a certain waitress called Wamaitha. The money could be used to tie Milo’s tubes to prevent all those milo-lettes/milo-lings that have been sprouting in Kibera slums. Bants was dying for his own bed...tired of sharing the double decker with Milo’s kids…though at least he blamed the bed wetting on them!

Bants said,“Natutapata a lot of beers…” Bants moved closer to EGM, “Pliz lets pray for this money and the beer we are going to have. Do u drink? EGM says no and Bants proceed to pray, “Baba yetu uliye breweries, bia zako zisifike, vinywaji vyako vitufikie hapa bar kama huko kiwandani, utupe pombe zetu za kila siku, utusamehe sisi walevi kama nasi tunavyosamehe wasiolewa kama EGM, usitufanye tujenge mbali na bar, bali karibu na grocery kwa kuwa bia zote ni zako, guiness, pilsner na hata tusker. N we all say “Beer!!!” they say in Unison. EGM cannot believe what is happening to him. He had to be mugged barely 24 hrs since he arrived in the country. What a welcome home!!

Virtual bytes Ltd was doing well at the Stock exchange market. The MD Aegeus was happy with his company’s growth and its current expansion to Sudan and Rwanda was indeed a smart move. As he is deliberating on matters concerning the company, his wife walks into the office. “Hi sweetie, you are looking lovely as always.” Aegeus says as he stands to give her a kiss. Mrs. Aegeus ( smiles as she walks towards her husband. He had never even for a day failed to complement her even if she wore a gunia). She loved him for that. “Hi dear. Just came to see you and tell you about our son.” “What did he do this tyme?” “U know that he dint come home yesterday and even when I was leaving he hadn’t showed up. You know Modo is a very naughty young man. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got busted by the cops.” Aegeus putting his arm around her shoulders, “At least we got one sane daughter, Klara…and most of all…we have each other.”

Oh how she loved her husband’s attention. He truly loved her. He was blinded by his love that he never realized the obvious. For starters, Modo!…the fact that Modo was darker than the solar eclipse was lost on him. The fact that Modo was so short even his shadow was taller…was lost on Aegeus. Mrs Aegeus had had plenty of pens dips in her ink pot and it was obvious Modo was a different breed of wino!

It’s not that she was adulterous it’s just that she was not left with an option. Aegeus has been adamant about saving himself for retirement. She was tolerant. She was patient. She didn’t mind doing the crossword puzzle in her honeymoon night. She loved him dearly and to a point believed in his Pension and Penis retirement benefit plan. But she had itches that needed to be scratched and a toe nail needed to be clipped. As his companies conglomerated so did she. He was so gullible that he believed that one of his plentiful wet dreams fertilized her…twice…

It was that gullibility that made him believe his wife. After she complained about modo...she informed Aegeus that she was going to meet some of her pals in carni for a quick drink. Little did Aegeus know but she was looking for their young neighbour BoyFlani-Modo’s pal. Secret lovers is what they were. They shouldn’t be together but they can’t let go cause what they feel is oh so real Well…what was real was the pregnancy stick turning blue early that morning. She was in trouble. Boyflani was half her height, a third of her age, had a quarter of her I.Q and a sixth of her bedroom stamina. Not to mention the choir-prefect to the school that she was Headmistress in.

Now the problem is…Bomseh is who Mrs Aegeus been sleeping with. Bomseh is Modo’s best pal. Bomseh is Boyflani’s older bro.….Boyflani knows about Bomseh. Bomseh doesn’t know his baby brother been tappin his Mrs Aegeus. Who is the father? …

TO BE CONTINUED!

2007-06-06T08:05:00.000-07:00

Part II

EGM comes out of the bathroom feeling quite refreshed. The cold shower had done him justice. He had opted to stay in a hotel despite being offered to stay at Kirima’s. Nairobi had really changed since he left seven years ago. Nice architecture and a lot of green had taken over the once not so developed city. He could not help to think of Chatterly and Kirima who had gone out of their way to pick him up from the airport. Thus the first bloggers for him to meet. The once e-friendships he had would once for all be subjected to physical meetups. Curiosity was getting 2 much 2 him.

EGM had declined to go to Carnivore after they had offered so after having dinner, Chatterly and Kirima headed there anyway. Kirima was really appreciating the company he had. How glad he was that she had offered to accompany him to the airport, dinner and then to some dancing. He had always loved her way of expression in her blog and when they met, he was clealry blown away. She was intelligent, funny and very fun to be with. Clearly he had hit a jackpot.

As Chatterly and Kirima were heading to Carnivore, they were singing along to some soul and rock songs. They were looking forward 2 a fun night out. Suddenly, out of the blue, a dude ran across the road. This guy had dreads and Chatterly could only scream, ‘Mungiki!!!” Kirima swerving to avoid hitting the guy, screeched but it was 2 late as he hit a tree. Then all was silent.

Modo had almost been hit by the car. He was trembling and really wanted to go back and check if the people in the car were ok. The police were in hot pursuit so he decided to just forget about it and save his life. He could not help thinking of how the dreads he had grown since after high skul put him into so much trouble. Being confused for mungiki was not getting nominated for the Caine prize or being confused for Spidey. Mungiki was killing and beheading people and he knew if the cops caught up with him, that would surely mean death. He turned back just to have a glimpse of the car that had crushed into the tree. He prayed to God they were ok and he continued running….

Archer and Bomseh had been watching prison break since 2pm. They were in season 2 and loving every episode. Archer was still nursing a wrist injury after clandestine workouts. Holding a white cap, Archer was starting 2 get tired of being a couch tato. His roommate Bomseh, was having a gdtyme with his galfriend Betty. This lady had helped transform Bomseh into a more responsible guy. He had quit smoking and his pinting had reduced tremendously. Archer actually thanked God for bringing Betty into his roommate’s life. Yet he wondered why God had not sent a ‘Betty’ into his life…Some of the ladies he met thought they were to cute for gravity which turned him off completely. He needed to end clandestine r/ships. If only he could meet the right gal.

“Guyz lets go. U r just cuddling na mimi hapa sina manze wa kusambazia mahanjams zangu.” Bomseh and Betty look at Archer and laugh. They come up with places to go and finally settle for carnivore. When driving Helen Bandia, Archer could not help but notice a car that had crushed. He beckons Bomseh and Betty and shows them the car ahead. "I think we should stop and see if the driver is ok." Archer pulls over and they all leave the car.

to be contd....

2007-05-28T03:44:00.000-07:00

Thanx guyz for ur support earlier. am now much better. I love u all. ((((hug))))

Now back to transmission......

Paukwa! Pakawa!!
Sahani ya mchele!
Giza ya mungiki!
Kiboko ya mtoto mkorofi!
ma maziwa je.....ya watoto wa kublogu.....

Driving down to the airport, Kirima steals a glance at his passenger. She is dressed in a white and black number thats giving Kirima mahanjams. He thinks to himself, "Man u gotta focus....lakini she's hot!!" Chatterly notices Kirima's stolen glance and she smiles to herself. Her intention to kill worked perfectly. She places her well manicured fingers on her thigh....Kirima is finished. she decides to break the silence, "I wonder how his going to be." Kirima clears his throat still in mental ICU and says, "we are only 15mins to finding out."

At the airport they hold a sign reading 'EGM'. Chatterly is gutentagging some dudes she thinks are Germans kumbe ni albino's. Kirima gestures to Chatterly to look on her right. A man was busy clicking away on his camera. Within minutes guards are on his case and tell him to stop taking photo;s like its uhuru park. He decides to be naughty and flashes a light at them. Thinking he had just taken a photo of them, the guards hold him by the trousers and try 2 confiscate his camera. Kirima and Chatterly run to him. What more evidence do they need. That must be EGM. They come 2 his rescue and Kirima parts with 2sok for the guards. Hugs...maintro they finally get 2 meet face to face. They carry his suitcases to the car which EGM had shamelessly left with an 80yr old mama. Through out the whole drive to town, EGM would find himself taking photos till Chatterly grabs the camera, "U think this is States. Hiyo camera utawekewa poa riverroad."

Roaming in Nairobi looking for a KAY taxi, Ichiena, Nakeel, Shiro n Half n Half are in a party mood. Its 10.30pm and they are upto a gals nite out to carnivore for the sato dancehall nite. Ichiena spots a KAY cab and she runs towards it. The rest follow in hot pursuit to get the best spot in the car, the front passenger seat. As Nakeel marathons her way to the taxi she bumps into a guy which almost throws her off balance. The guy reaches out to her and hold her hand b4 she falls. "Oops am sorry,,," she giggles and continues towards the finish line. Shiro gets to the front seat as Nakeel is thrown nyuma katikati. She loses the marathon. They start bargaining the price while in the taxi and the driver is suprised. He is used to customers askig for the price b4 they get in. In a few minutes they r driving off n the gals start chatting up the dere. "Whats ur name?" "Am Milo." The gals don't intro themselves. HnH asks, " Where do u live? " "In the house." HnH is not amused when the rest of the gals burst out in laughter. Milo is enjoying this and all thru to Carni he shares his humurous side ith the gals who are smitten by this extraordinary cab driver. Shiro is busy with her Nokia N70 phone trying to ngugu 'Milo'...The gals are not suprised coz Shiro ngugu's everything!!!

At Carni guys are already grooving and chics shakin what their mama gave them. Two jamaas are seated at the bar near the entrance sipping at their cold Tuskers. They are scanning crowd, look at each other and shake their heads. "Thwacks!" They say in unison. 3n and Mwangi are not happy. Its almost midnight and there are no fly mamas. "Its 11pm and there no mamas here worth a look even with ur glasses on." Mwangi retorts. "Lets go to Psys." 3n still hopeful that they will be hot mamas later urges Mwangi 2 at least stay on for half an hr. He goes ahead to order 2 beers for him. Mwangi agrees reluctantly. It was clearly a dry night. 3n was wondering in his ming if u cant get hot mamas in carni then where else.

A tall beautiful lady waltzes in. She has legs like from here to next week. At 5"8 she is a sight to behold. In the company of her bestfriend, Mamashady knows she is eye candy and sashays her way to a table. 3n n Mwangi turn just in tyme to see her befor she sits down.

...to be contd...

2007-05-22T05:27:00.000-07:00

Life Sucks!!! sob...sob...

2007-05-11T07:08:00.000-07:00

Now that I have been tagged by several peeps here, as much as i hate revealing stuff about me, here goes......

1. I can say am a very good dancer. I can tell from the many people who come to me n tell me that plus the many drinks that come my way. Its a talent that runs in the family. I wish i used it 2 earn money part time.

2. I love dogs. Unfortunately 2 months ago someone poisoned five of them and they all died. Am still coming to terms with that.When i get a job my first salo is buying a dog...

3. I have a way of learning people to fast. Its scary at first coz i may really like u then i happen 2 c certain aspects of u that r not so good. I love real people. If u r mean n rude, be mean n rude. If u r nice dont pretend 2 be urself. In short i love people who Act Original....i hate hypocrites with a passion!

4. I have no clue what it means 2 be loved by a mother...yet she is alive. (This is 2 personal)

5. I am the type that if i fall in love and breakup, give me a few weeks and am over you. I think its strange but look on the positive side...its fantastic. At least i know i cant break chairs and drink myself silly coz sme1 i loved left me or smein...thats not me!!

6. I love kids! I can do anything for any kid. I want my own and its funny that i used 2 say by the time am 23 will have one. Lakini finances and career wise zimenizuia kidogo.....

7. I have been told 2 model, try out cabin crew, advertising...guess that gives u a hint of my physical look ama?

I will do 7 coz naona hiyo ndio mwendo.
Now who hasnt been tagged............Bants, Kirima, Inexes, Felix, Peks, Ichiena, Klara

2007-05-07T00:10:00.000-07:00

In Love with my brother….

First I would like to give my sympathy to the families of the Victims of KQ 507 at Douala in Cameroon. It is my hope that survivors will be found and those who might be unlucky poleni sana. God be with you in this trying moment.

In love with my brother…not the sibling type of but lovers who are intimately involved. Relax ur booty coz I aint the victim but my gal Shanikwa (not her real name). Shanikwa is my closepal and I have known her for about eight years. She is 23 yrs old and her brother is 26 yrs. They are from a well up family with the parents being respectable elders of the local church. Why is it that such kids with strict Christian parents go astray?

Shanikwa is a B. Com graduate and currently works for a local bank since sometime last year in November. Its true that she is tighter than tight with her bro and we used to envy her. They would do most of the stuff together but who wld think anything of it except well they are bro and sis!

So sometime last week we were chatting and she told me that she was moving in with her bro since they both have well paying jobs. Of course that’s normal I told her and better than getting an outsider as a roommate.

She tells me, “Unyc his more than a brother.” More than a bro? Either am naïve or my mind totally refused to decipher the meaning of that. “Of course his more than your brother,” I offered. “His your older brother.”

She starts laughing and tells me it’s the other type of love. The type where u kiss, cuddle, caress, make love....Mesmerized, appalled, tantalized, shocked, mortified!!!... (unleash vocab zote za mshtuko) I was speechless! How do u fall in love with your own sibling? Kwani the men are extinct. The fact that she is very beautiful and gets alot of attention from men when we go out or are in town running errands made me think she is nuts. It answered a lot of Q’s though coz when she gets hit on by a dude she doesn’t give 2 cents of attention to whoever it may be. She tells me she aint interested. Kumbe…

Someone tell me what goes wrong in some people…How do u fall in love with your bro/sis, get intimate (kwanza that) and probably have kiddo’s pamoja. That’s mentally insane!! Incest of the highest order! Magna Cum Laude Incest!

Incest is prohibited in the Bible and if am not wrong even illegal in the Kenyan laws. Ethically and morally unacceptable. I love this gal and she is a dear friend but what do I tell her….she was not even coming to me for advice but to notify me coz they are slowly making people aware of the situation. Next week I might hook up with the bro and hear his side of the story.

This aint normal vybe!

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Need to know….

If u Jav like me, u know Mats have a tendency to drop you off like a few metres from the stage just bcoz there is a very small traffic snarl up. “Shuka na jam madam!!!”

His not requesting but commanding u. Next time do this. Ask him with sura ya kazi,, macho kwa macho, “Nimekuwai 19 bob ama 29 bob”(depending on ur total fare subtract 1 bob). The rafta (bants) will just funga the mlango and drop u off at the stage totally speechless. Smile at him ukishuka…heheee. Worked for me twice like a charm.

2007-04-30T08:44:00.000-07:00

Eggzam’s, Mwakenya’s and zombies….

Its another week. Thank God that you and I have made it this far in the face of trials and tribulations that may have come your way. I hope ur weekend was good. I sat for my first exams on Saturday and for once since I joined campus had two exams back-to-back in the same day. That aint fun at all!! My next paper is on Saturday…..yipeee!! More time 2 read. How cool is that. I should score a straight A in it otherwise I shld be crowned dandaa of the yr 2007…

Exam time is always a tensed period for most people. Gnashing your teeth as you try to cram a whole semester’s notes is the order of the day. I attest to the fact that I find myself in this situation a lot. This attitude is mbaya-mbovu. All I know is cramming is not supposed to be in anyone’s vocabulary and should instead stop reading for exams but read to be more knowledgeable and to understand the info. There is a big difference right there.
Exam time is another period where you get to see some people in the library for the FIRST time in a sem. Some even look so misplaced yet they are students. Very ironic…hehe. They standout like a sore thumb I trust that u know or used 2 know sme1 like that…they are not a rare ‘species’.
Then there is the Mwakenya…where it got its name from, I have no clue but some1 pliz enlighten me. I have no time or patience to write a mwakenya but a big percentage of students swear by it especially the dubbists. Its their map to a good grade. They can trace the ‘A’ or ‘B’ route using it and the ‘E’ or “F’ route becomes non-existent in their books.
Days of doning petticoats that were inexplicably used as cloth mwakenya’s is long gone hence the need for serious tactics when using the current one coz some lecturers are hawk-eyed.
Again there are those who stress themselves to oblivion. They don’t want to take a short break! I believe and correct me if am wrong, that you need to take a short hiatus when studying. Why do people stress themselves and leave the library looking like zombies?
If u can’t hack the last minute reading then read pole pole from the beginning of the sem. Leave the last minute to the experts.
I can’t wait 2 maliza this eggzams. So far not bad at all. Hope the rest are as good as the ones I did on Sato.

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Am introducing a new section on my blog where I get 2 share with u something that I have learned in my day-to-day activities such as watching TV, reading, walking…anything apart from googling. I will not give u googled info.

Now I know….

The World's smelliest, stinkiest (grammar) most foul smell in order of the most are: (drums rolling)

1. Tasmanian Devil

2. Skunk

3. (suprise suprise) Hyena

2007-04-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Younger is Spicy...

Age is just a number. True or not? That depends highly on an individual but when a man dates a young mrembo its not seen as a big deal. Ngoja tu a mama dates a young guy and all hell breaks loose. Society is all over treating you like a cast away. Personally I cannot date a younger guy. Younger to me is more than an year younger. The level of maturity for women is much higher and i sometimes wonder what a 18yr old guy tells a 25yr old chiquitta. So what happens to a bigger age gap, I just shudder at the thot. Will u discuss how hide n seek is the coolest game, u chongoana coz thats what high skul leavers r gd at. There u r a working class lady with a boy. Maybe its just me but dont think sme situations are meant to be.

Where am i going with all these? Over the weekend I was at a house party in South C and there was a particular chic (mama) that had me in shock. She told us stuff that even sobered the drunks. What is it with keroro that makes people open up so much? My sprite and I are always good to go so i never have to worry about certain embarrassing situations like some peeps do. Enuf said.

This mama is 30 yrs old, works in the scandal station and has two kids. Either in her teen yrs and in her twenties she dint hv her fun but dammmmnnn...she can party real hard. Chewing veve, drinking Viceroy as if it was a dasani on a hot day, talking 2 much ish...arrgghhh!! felt like I would slap her to maturity.

She amazed me though that despite all that she was quite intelligent and even in her drunk stupor she cld comfortably and factly give info on certain issues...chicca is sharp. She told me stuff about Islam that i wld have sworn only those who hv passed through madrassa know and sme of us who hv studied Islam as a compulsory course. We chatted on n on about Islam, xtianity, Kids (kept asking where her kids are but she lengad that vibe), and then ended with men. Chicca laid out her whole history with men since the time she was in colle to current times. She has been there DONE that and travelled with her international boyfies...congolese, nigerian, ghanian...her kids are from diff nationalities.

Currently she prefers young jamaas. Jamaas who are like 15-19yrs but she can go for a bit older 20-23yrs when the rest are in school. I kid ya not!! As if that was not enuf 2 digest, she tells us that she actually pays them to have sex with her.The glow on her face told me she loved this boys and i don't think she'll turn her back on them any time soon. That wknd was the Insyder Chat Awards and guess who was in attendance...the mama! Ati she had gone there to get herself sme fresh young dudes and sure enuf she got three contacts. She was actually meeting one the next day before he goes back for tuition on monday. How now? 30 yr old? She needs 2 get a life. Its not like she has been dissapointed with older jamaas. She says its just for the thrill. What a thrill it is!

Chic bloggers and even jamaas, would u do this, encourage ur pals, sisters....to do it.? Gv me ur 2cts on this.

2007-04-17T03:57:00.000-07:00

I hate being away for this long! I miss u guyz coz i was used 2 visiting every1 in my bloggers list daily. Now its quite a challenge. Life outside is not the best an am already 2 tired. Say a prayer for me jobless unyc 2 get something. My exams are around the corner and i cant wait 2 maliza. After that then what coz campus resumes in August? sme1 hire me as their PA or smething....or for those abroad sponsor me for like 2 months at least i board a plane....

Am in the Cyber and posting from here its not all that fun. As i ws going thorough my inbox which is overflowing with emails i came across some interesting tips. Interesting indeed.

General Dating Rules
1. Always look great, whatever your income. Gorgeous hair and some lipstick and wearing rags will still turn his head. You have the advantage, you are the woman. Look your best as you could meet a potential Mr. Right anywhere at any time.
2. Never reveal information you don't have to. An enigmatic woman drives men wild.
3. Keep dates brief but your men interested. Less is always more.
4. Try and stay in shape and involve some fitness regime at a gym. However much you hate it, your Mr. Right loves your body as much as your mind.
5. Let your man pay. If he is interested, he is interested enough to ensure you eat well and get home safely in a cab.
6. Ensure you receive flowers, if he doesn't know what a florist is, dump him.
7. Never ever sleep with a guy until he has fallen for you. Sex early in your dating game plan will ruin everything.
8. Always keep a guy waiting and never turn up early. It is a lady's perogative.
9. Never be available when he wants you to be. Never be at the end of a phone when he calls and always let him leave a message or two first before replying.
10. If he is available Tuesday, you are available Thursday.
11. Weekend shopping trips with girlfriends are sacred and not available for dates.
12. Keep your man standing on quicksand by shifting landmarks and goalposts constantly.
13. Ensure you are a good kisser. Men will walk away if you cannot kiss. Practise on a mirror if you have to. (lol.....)
14. Never ever talk about previous boyfriends and particularly their prowess in the bedroom. 15. The number of ex boyfriends is your business only.
16. Never pre suppose anything about your date until you choose to know him better. You cannot always tell by looking
17. If any man shows the slightest signs of possessiveness or insecurity run like the wind. Life is too short for boys.
18. If his shoes or hygiene are a disgrace dump him
19. Never talk too much about your father and how your date measures up in comparison.
20. Never ever come across as too available or too desperate, he will run a mile. He is the one doing the chasing remember.
21. If the guy in the corner is gorgeous go and get him and create the need in him for you. Never wait for men to come to you because you may watch him leave with someone else.
22. You may well have all the bodily functions of a man, just try not to demonstrate them early on.
23. If you are wanting a child, don't mention it on the first few dates.
24. Never ever criticize his mother unless you want to remain single.

Online Dating Rules (For us bloggers wenye wanajaribu hookups...lol)
Always let them come to you, don't chase via email
Block anyone who annoys you instantly
Place the best & most vampish photo up you can find
Don't reply to instant messages with clever opening lines
Remain aloof and let yourself be chased
Always reply to emails at least 3 days after receipt
Never provide you true email or phone details to the man
Always date safely and protect yourself at every turn
Make sure your login name is stunning and sexy as well as enigmatic
Do not login for hours on end. Short, rapid visits are best
Do not assume the man you are talking to is destitute or sad
Never ever reply to emails at weekends, wait until a weekday
Never state how good your sexual performance is in your profile
If you don't want to date married men spell it out in your profile
A man who doesn't reply to your email within 3 days should be ignored
Make sure your humor levels come across in text
Do not chat to hundreds of men at once, the delay in replying is a dead giveaway and your Mr. Right will be off.
Don't even think about misrepresenting your size or description. They will find out.
Come across as cool and sophisticated for best results

2007-03-29T04:55:00.000-07:00

...UP's

and Down's....

Life is strange. Sometimes it gets to be good and other tymes its a challenge that as far as I may love challenges, there are those that are heart wrenching.

First things first....What do u think of a dentist that you visit and he offers u very sweet cookies? He just wants 2 mint money otherwise he would be offering me apples and grapes. I have such a dentist...lol. His the best lakini. I have been a having a problem with my tooth for 12 years and last week he did a splendid job. Lakini the experience....it ws like drillin a borehole...God knows what ws being sprayed in my mouth...then i had 2 keep my mouth WIDE open for what seemed like a week. " 2 say i ws exhausted after that wld be an understatement. In the end it ws worth it though.
.............................................................................................................

Ladies or even gents....does it happen 2 u that u meet a guy/chic....u aint even dating n then i dont know if u become more attractive or what happens, or of a sudden u r being asked out left right n centre...then two of ur ex's come back 2 the limelight....its really STRANGE!!! Am yet 2 understand what happens. One minute the same guyz r not lookin at u but once u hook up with a guy who u aint even dating....voila!!! I cn take u out for dinner! U free for lunch?........

I went out with a guy this week who ws just flossing 222222222222222 much!! Even had his log bk 2 prove the BMW his driving, at 27 yrs, is his n not his paro's. I kid ya not!!! N he went on n on about his bizna's. how much they make etc etc.
Guyz its gd 2 be proud of what u have lakini.........iza!!
.............................................................................................................
Next week will be bumming at my crib, watchin TV, reading mags or novels....my contract has ended so no jobo for me.
If any1 of ya'll hears of a vacancy in comm field....holla @ ur gal....aiight!!!
..........................................................................................................

2007-03-23T01:16:00.000-07:00

Watuuuu.....

Mnajua niaje.......

Chochote nitawaambia leo......

Skizeni kiasi....

Got something incredible happening next week Thursday, 29th March, 2007.

PRESENTING...(drums roll)

The Launch of Bloodline a Movie featuring Raymond Wafula, Naomi Kamau, Rogers Mutai among others.

The launch will take place at the French Cultural Centre at 6pm on the date stated above. There will be a cocktail and viewing of the movie.

Damage: 1000 bob.

Trust me this movie is off the hook!!!

U cn contact me for tickets on bernalis2@yahoo.com n I can have them delivered to you or I do it personally (wink).

Support local talent. Mjivunie kuwa Wakenya.

.............................................................................................................
There is this Music Video thats driving me nuts.

Church Heathen by Shaggy. I absolutely love it.

Click here to view it.

http://www.kovideo.net/music/video/Shaggy---Church-Heathen/487.html

Nice weekend everybody! Mjivinjari.

2007-03-19T05:23:00.000-07:00

Sheng Post

Niliwanga fortunate ama unfortunate kuvisit Methu nikawa victim wa kuunleash post ya sheng am bantusha language. Haya basi maneno sombe ndiyo haya dadi…

Sikumbuki ni paper gani walichora risto ya macadaver, yani ma dead body. Ati kuna ukame ya mabodi za kufanya matizi za studo wa chuo ya med. Sasa mzeya fulani anabeg wasee wasign will ama wachore mail ndio msee akipiga ndoo mateke, wanaeza chukua mwili.

Kenyans kadhaa wakarushiwa hiyo Q na mob wakakataa hiyo risto juu ya church, culture na excuse mob. Opinion yangu juu ya hii risto ni kuwa naeza peana body yangu itumiwe kwa research ndio isiende kuoza tu bure. Kwanza wanatumia kama soo tano daily kwa body yako, unang’ara poa, linen mpya, marashi noma...unatreatiwa kama ur highness. Nani haezi taka hivyo badala ya kurushwa kwa mchanga na coffin sijui ya dongero ngapi kisha unakuwa RVF kwa matermites. Tena ma expense za funeral ni mob kibao zinaweza kuwa contributed to Charity unehelp wenye wananeed hizo mullah.

Nilianza kufikiria hii risto nikiwa primo (aki) kama nipatiane body yangu ama zi! Najua wazae wakasoma hii risto wanaeza leta domez! Ati kii?? Kugurukire?? Mathe anatoa mpaka ile sheng hajui, “Manze umechizi nini? Ati upatiane body yako kwa mastudo waisorore wakijifanya ni masomo?”..heheee .Lakini Bible imemention risto kaa hii? Mwenye anajua si anishow isiwe natenda dhambi nasijui. Kama body yangu itasaidia msee, wacha aitumie. Lakini wasiexploit tena.

Nyi mnaona aje? Ebu tuskie maoni....

Risto iliwanga kwa News ikanishtua sana ni ya msee hulala na macorpse za washee for a fee. Haiya! Nani alicheki huyo mzeya? Ameharibika mwili sijui ana leprosy nini...udaku yani. Unaeza je lala na corpse. Tradition zingine nizauduu. Zinatreat wasee kama mafala. Satisfaction gani unawai corpse, hakuna!! We ndio unajiletea balaa bure.

2007-03-13T04:51:00.000-07:00

Work or US??

Something happened like two months ago that left me quite shocked and speechless. It’s a common occurrence nowadays but most people don’t realize it. Only the victims of these can attest to the heartache it brings. As much as they would love to understand what is going on, they need the attention from those special people in their lives.

I live in a court where there are young couples and most kids range between 0-12yrs. I can rate them in the upper class since the place is not exactly cheap or for any middle class Kenyan. There is this lady who is a Director at a popular company and she has three daughters. The first born is 11yrs, the other 8yrs and the last 4 yrs. Very bright kids and live a life that some of us still dream off. Whenever we r off the semester, I usually go home by 5.30pm and the kids wait for me. I love kids and they cheer me up so much even when am at my lowest.

So this particular day I left work and headed home. As usual found them playing and the gals, about 8 of them, follow me to my place. After inquiring about their day in school and all, the 11yr old daughter to the director says they want 2 talk to me about something. It took me by surprise coz she looked withdrawn all of a sudden n worried. She asked the other kids 2 leave and the three sisters remained. Something they had planned to tell me in advance from their actions. I was really surprised coz what would they want to talk to me about and in private?
Dint take long for me to find out as the 11yr old asked, “Between work and your kids who would you give priority?” She asked me exactly that. I guessed this had something to do with their parents. “Why do u ask?” I inquired stealing glances from all of them. The small one sat on my lap and held me tight. Machozi karibu initoke. She wanted 2 cry as she was telling me how their mum n dad never have time for them. The mum goes out after work and goes into the house late when they are sleeping. The dad is always traveling. All they are given is lots of money which they don’t know what to do with. All they were asking is just a day, just one whole day with their parents.
That’s one of the tightest situations I have ever been to. I did not know what to tell them. I am not a parent yet and was afraid I’d say something then they’d go tell the other kids or even their parents and am in trouble. The 8yr old stood up and walked up to me, held my hand and said, “Just tell us the truth. Mum seems to prefer work than us. We don’t get to c her like Shanice* or Mark* get to see their parents yet they work.”
Kids have the hardest questions and lying to them is not as easy. It’s almost impossible. I try to explain that their parents are working so they can get money to educate, feed, clothe and pay the rent for the house they were living in. They dint want to hear of no such thing. “How come other parents do all that and they still get time to play with their kids?” Watoto wa siku hizi are to bright.
The question I have avoided twice was brought up again. “Kids and work?” I had to answer and jibud. “I’d choose my kids.” The last born looking at her sisters said, “I told you so.”
The 8yr old speaks almost breaking down, “Please talk to our mum and tell her we love her but we need time with them.” “I will.”….ati I will, what was I thinking? How do I even start telling her, oh your daughters came to me to tell me about this and that…u know mama’s when they think their kids have special interest in U than them.

I have known this kids for an year and u’d think they r spoilt. They have ipods, makeup kits, bought stuff from woolworths etc. I talked to their housegal and got a lot of information from her. The kids have dwelt into bad behaviour coz of lack of parent attention. The first born who is just l1 drinks. Occasional wine and they all try 2 emulate smoking using small pencils. The mum n dad smoke n drink in front of them so whats wrong with that? They have no etiquette…sorry, thank you its not part of their vocabulary coz their parents dint teach them. Am worried for the first born especially. She is in a prestigious school and from the way she talks about school experiences n all, the mum got a reason to be worried. They need to have a mother-daughter talk and she be told about adolescence, the body changes and sexual stuff. If she doesn’t do that she might just be a granny or her daughter to get the HIV virus.

I got another lady to go talk to her as she is a parent and they are friends on condition am not mentioned. From the look of things it kinda worked coz the kids seemed happy when I last asked about their parents.

Am not a parent but I know that you need to be there for your kids. There’s nothing as precious as having your parent watch you when you score your first goal, win a race, watch a movie together, go to church or just play. It may not be as much as the kids would want since you are busy but it would help if you would create tyme for them. Y do u think kids disrespect their parents? Become notorious? Lack respect for others? Early pregnancies? Abortions? Stress? Suicide?

2007-03-06T03:25:00.000-08:00

African Tymer????

Keeping tyme is a virtue I revere.

I am always disgruntled by African tymers. Those who think you have all the tyme in the World to wait for them. They assume you have nothing better to do and keep you waiting for h ours on end sipping away at a soda in a restaurant. Woe unto you if you are broke and you have to plunk yourself like a tree trunk outside Kenya Cinema, 20th Century, Nandos, Kencom, Odeon…n all the fav zubarist hotspots in tao. The fact that some of these places are so shady to zubaa doesn’t help. U don’t want your friends finding your standing there. Then wacha it’s a weekend and others are meeting their better halfs. You are busy looking left to right, and standing out like a stood-up loser. Like K.C. wah! I hate that place.

Then there is the other species who decide to call you half an hr before tyme that they can’t make it. Something came up. Half an hr before, you are either near the meeting place or at the stage if not driving there. Hellllooooo!!! Maybe am different but how do u even get the guts to do that. Call me five hrs earlier and tell me you won’t make it.

Another group is those you call and they tell you am ten minutes away when you can clearly hear the echo implying wako kwa nyumba. Probably they live in Rongai or Kiserian…and that will take like almost an hr 2 get 2 tao. WHAT!!! They forget there is something called backgrnd noise u can tell when a person is in the mat, house, office (n don’t tell me about phone technology that deters that from happening and save married couples)

I have a friend who is an expert in arriving late. She always comes one hour later if not more and so unapologetic. Being the softie that I am, I wld just inquire why she’s late, give me a lame excuse and that’s it. This given the fact that before she arrived I was boiling with rage and swearing how am going to give her a piece of my mind.

I met this guy who after three dates of arriving half an hr to an hr late, lightly questioned by yours truly, he decided it was going to be the norm. After all Unyc was not complaining as much and just the usual, "U need to stop coming late. Learn how to keep time." Then the next tyme we agreed to meet, it was on a weekend and we decided to go for a movie then out till wee hours of the morning. We fixed a tyme 8pm since movie starts at 8.30pm and am not one to miss the previews. By 8pm am zubing outside 20th Century waiting for him. 8.30 draws near and dude hasn’t even bothered to at least SMS and say he’ll be late. So I call him and his like, "am at Kenyatta Avenue will be there in five." "Ok" trying to sound as ok as ok itself (does that mke sense?) Anyhew, I wait n wait, now am turning 2 red….kwani Kenyatta Avenue imekuwa Dandora…eish. Its 9.15 and am very upset…I am leaving if u don ’t show up in the next 10mins. Look at me being lenient. 10 mins! He was to be here more than an hour ago. I hang up before he answers. At this tyme I have already decided what to do. I wait for him and in half an hour he shows up with his boyz, they look drunk and I know what they were upto. Angalia saaaaaa……angalia saaa….

They r five of them and no one wants to look me in the eye. So I put my very serious and angry face, "Where were you? U were 2 be here hrs ago. Now I hv missed a movie…y were u lying 2 me." Still looking down (felt like I was dealing with kiddos) ati they were at Chillers. Ever felt like throwing a punch? I kept my cool. Smiled and told the other guyz to buzz off. Its my tyme with him. Dint want to hear any of them joining us at all even after their persistence.

They left and I asked the guy, "Lets go have some food before we plan what to do." Thinkin he has ponead chupuchupu he smiles and we walk down towards Kencom. On our way there I give him unexpected news. "Am going home. Need to be in church by 7am." He stopped abruptly. The fact that he almost went on his knees almost made me change my mind but he had 2 learn. Now Kencom is where our mats are n I walked there quickly as his hot on my heels saying how I should understand its an African tyme thing and he knew I was going to be late or something. Then he realized I never get late and says that he dint hv credo to call me. I grab his phone n *144#....shs. 134. Almost threw the phone into the bin. I dint say anything and just ingiad the mat. Lucky 4 me I got the last seat and he was kicked out…lol…when he tried to occupy the rafta’s (Bants) seat. To say I ws proud of leaving him wretched wld be an understatement. (am not mean 4 the record..hehee). Then he decided to follow me mpaka Digz. He calls. I pick up and tell him to go join his boyz. "am at ur gate just come out" I knew there’s no way the watchies wld let him in and I told him I cant chuck am already in bed. Then I was Mteja.

From that day and after two weeks blackout, he made sure he was there 15mins earlier. Worked like magic.

I always say unless u have been hit by a truck, house burned down or sme1 if not u is deceased…u have no excuse of being an Africa Tymer!! Have the decency to call and say you will be late if you can’t avoid it. If u r so broke send me the annoying Please Call Me back. Thank you. (Its free if I may remind you). I will call u or get a hint if am broke as well.
Keep tyme!! Keep tyme!! Keep tyme!!

Nikiangalia kopo langu la saa, najua kuwa sifai kuchelewa ata kidogo.

2007-02-27T05:12:00.000-08:00

As i come up with a post....get this:

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish - 49
Adventurous - Slept with everyone
Athletic - No tits
Average looking - Ugly
Beautiful - Pathological liar
Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure - On medication
Feminist - Fat
Free spirit - Junkie
Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person
Fun - Annoying
New Age - Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded - Desperate
Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate - Sloppy drunk
Professional - Bitch
Voluptuous - Very Fat
Large frame - Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate - Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally..... A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle. For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features. However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

2007-02-20T21:25:00.000-08:00

Smiling coyly at him, he was taken by her. It was love at first sight. He thot to himself, “God, did u just drop your wife from heaven. Just know that was the biggest mistake you did.” Dressed in a black dress and matching shoes, she looked really hot. The fact that she was ‘yellow’ did not help matters. Beautiful was an understatement. Miss Pretty was looking yummy and Daddy Yankee was flabbergasted. When he managed to utter some words it was, “Hello, let’s take a walk”…hehee. Miss Pretty giggles and is drawing all sorts of maps with her eyes. She even managed to draw the eighth continent!! “Where did this TDH come from?”

After that many more dates followed and they were both smitten. They fell head over heels in love with each other and no moment passed without one of them making it clear to the other. Daddy yankee was mesmerized.

One day they are taking a walk and Daddy Yankee gets on his knees and asks, “Will u marry me Princess?” Miss Pretty who had dreamt of this moment since the tyme she laid eyes on him answers ecstatically, “Yes my love I will.” Daddy Yankee and Miss Pretty follow all traditional customs of dowry and other gibberish required. They become husband and wife and move in together. Daddy yankee had put up a big house in the hope that he would get a wife soon and sure enuf he had landed himself an angel. Two years down the line they were madly in love and something spectacular happened.

“Get me outta here…” Baby Nameless twirled in the womb was tired of waiting any more. This was the ninth month and there were no signs of being let out. “How many friggin months will I be in here, TWELVE?” Baby was clearly devastated. To unleash her anger she kicked so hard that Miss Pretty let out a scream. Baby was beside herself with joy. “Maybe if I kick harder she’ll let me out of this stomach…did u just have pumpkin for lunch…yuck!!!” Baby kicks again ad Miss Pretty, clearly in pain lets out a scream. “Hehee…that’s what u get for keeping me here for nine months…Get me the fuckout!” Baby kicks again and is rolling on the womb laughing …

Miss Pretty is worried. Labour pains and baby is kicking so hard…”Daddy Yankeeeeeeee. I think my water is about to break” Daddy yankee in the bedroom glued to his newspaper says, “How can the water break when I have built a strong concrete tank. It’s the best in this town u know” He throws the newspaper on the bed and walks 2 the sitting room…”Whats with the sneer woman?”… Mrs Yankee filled with Pregnancy rage screams, “I don’t mean that water…you…you…just get the car and get me to hospital like NOW!!!” Daddy yankee finally realizes what is going on and dashes out to get the car. “Hang on love…our baby is comin” Daddy Yankee jumps up n down as he heads for the garage.
Baby now confused wonders what is going on out there. Too much commotion. Tired of kicking baby decides to relax and take a nap.

“Push Push…” Baby is awakened from her deep slumber. “What am I supposed 2 push? I cant push I can only kick.” Baby kicks so hard that Miss Pretty lets out a shrill. Still the same voices saying, “Push push…” In a minute baby is moving and excitement is registered on her face. “Finally am out of this womb pit…”

“WTF!! Who are these people?” Baby looks around and four people are looking at her. “Quit staring at me. What do I look like, a baby rat! Sheesh!...Woman (looking at her mum) funga mlango kibaki anapita”….The doctor announces it’s a baby gal and everyone in the room is excited esp daddy yankee. He takes her from the nurse and kisses her forehead before handing her to Mrs Yankee. “ She’s so adorable”. Baby looks up at her mum, “Hey baby mama. It was disgusting in there, Am sure glad 2 be out. Why u all big like that anyway?”

Doctor asks, “So what are you going to call her?” Mrs Yankee looks at Daddy Yankee smiling and says, “Unyc” .

And so Unyc was born on 22nd February _ _ _ _(jijazie).

2007-02-20T02:24:00.000-08:00

Today am in a very very very very...good mood. Samuel Matheri Ikere amedeadi. Hana pumzi tena. I got this info at around 6am n i jumped out of bed with joy. Dude has caused us agony more than Wanugu n Wacucu (remember them?). On Saturday my family pals were buried and enuf prayers were said for this guy 2 be arrested. Rumuor mills were going round that he has a hit list of 80 pple and guess who was number 80...his dad. His own flesh n blood!!
The US ambassador, Michael Rannenberger who attended the funeral read a very touching poem from some writer (cant recall the name) and later on called for justice to be done. Pple really prayed on that day n two days later dude is as stiff as a stone....
Never thot i'd ever be happy when someone dies. I felt sad for Sadam Hussein...but Matheri, wololo....its like i was promoted to be CEO of Kenya Airways....
Justice was done. Shoot to kill order prevailed. Though I wish the Public got 2 him first...hmmmmm....a slow painful death.

Some1 tried 2 ruin my mood by saying am snooping just coz i landed on sme info online about him. Now as long as u hv info on the internet, its a very minute world...very minute. U can bet to find out alot. That's not snooping. Its Accidental Online Assimilation (AOA)....
If u need 2 keep ur identity hidden, USE A NAME PEOPLE ARE NOT FAMILIAR WITH. Simple as a, e, i, o, u.

Let me go celebrate!!! Champagne any1...

2007-02-15T05:31:00.000-08:00

Val’s Drama

Valentines is gone!!! Halleluyah….the glowreh of the day is over. St. Auxe…whatever (refer to Acos post) is gone till November, oops, till next year.

Instead of sitting around moping and whining about how we don’t have men to take us out, my gals and I had plotted to go out for dinner and make it a fun night out. After work we hooked up in town and our Vals afternoon was off to a flying start.

There we were, walking in town, heading to the appointed venue all the while ogling and drooling over bouquets of roses and gift packages that WERE ON DISPLAY!!

Please note, not those being carried around by smiling couples or by two men along Kenyatta Avenue rushing to meet their dates or the pretty lady in a little black number along Wabera Street with her sweetie coz I did not see them. I only saw those on display at the vendors’ stands.

Where was I? Right. We get to Trattoria and sure enough quite a number of people are sipping their drinks and chatting away. The décor is lots of red balloons and flowers…at this point the manner in which the couples are positioned can also be classified as décor since they bring out the valentine ambience.

We sit downstairs for about five minutes and then one of the gals says, “Lets go upstairs…change of scenery”…troop upstairs. The situation is even worse, ati dinner tables all with some nice linen, shiny cutlery, red this n that….place is bleeding I tell ya!

We finally find a place to sit our six sets of distinctive booty down and start having fun. We order a Carafe and r good 2 go before we have our dinner. Chit-chatting, loud laughter…this is actually getting to be so much fun. Who needs men anyway! Sasa I had sat adjacent to the entrance and I could see anyone who was walking in and out. Then whoa!!! WTF!!! OMG! I said so many omg’s I lost count. The gals went mum as they all turn to look at what I am staring at. “What are you oh my gawding about?” they chorused.

Get this. During the day I hollad at one of my pals and ask her what her plans are since she has a dude. She tells me ati she’s bila because dude is working late but sent her a card n one fudge…ok not fudge, Dairy milk.

There I am in Trattoria and the gentleman walks in with a chic! And she is not my pal! Nikapigwa na butwaa. He was also in shock. He looked at me…looked away, turned to look at me, am still oh my gawding, then I get the guts and put a big smile and wink at him…he whispers something to the chic and they walk out. Wololo…I hate been in this position. Now how do I start telling her, “Chic, your jamaa was with another mama jana evening.” My gal-friends at this point are pestering me to call her and give her the news but I just can’t do it. I will do it today or organize for a meet during the weekend. I hope she believes me.

We are on the second Carafe and some of us are getting tipsy. That wine was sweet but really strong. I am one of those people who like to ‘scan’ a crowd so I started checking up people. On a corner are three guys checking us out. Too bad we all have dads. Then there is this couple positioned at the bar, good-looking, well dressed, nice bouquet, no vybe. They were just pinting and chic is admiring flowers and that was it. After ten minutes of this, they leave. So much 4 Vals!

Then two well-groomed jamaas walk in and sit at the bar. A minute later a chic joins them and surely is one jamaa’s craving for the night. The other guy without a date turns to look at us. Then he decides to focus on me and it didn’t help matters that I was positioned right across from him. He is chatting with his pal but his eyes are elsewhere. Then at that point his chic walks in and kisses…blah blah. He chucks from his seat, and not to be mistaken for a gentlemanly gesture, he sat on her left so that he still had a good view of our table. Men! So at this point both men are sandwiched between their two mamas . Somehow vybe ikaisha and the jamaas start talking and looking at us. At this point we r so disgusted we want to throw up!! How do u have your mama there, and still look at others continuously. If you have to look, steal one glance and that’s it. My gals and I are really enjoying this and just laughing almost to the point of rolling on the floor. He must have confused this for showing interest in him coz after his mama went downstairs (probably he sent her to pick something, who cares), he picked some roses from a basket which were meant for the diners, comes right over to where I was seated, says hi and goes ahead to give each one of us a rose. Then he looks at me and says, “How can lovely ladies like you be out alone?” Ati kii? Now one of the gals sparked. That comment had gone through to the wrong side of the medulla oblongata. “Who said we are alone? Kwani who are these? (pointing at our group)” Dude looks at her and says, “someone is not comfortable.” Now I am one jolly person hence the ‘Jollity’ part lakini my jolliness, just like the Bible verses, needs a certain context to be correctly interpreted. Dude thinks am jazzed by him and continues to stand there telling us of how lovely and beautiful we are. He senses his chic might be back and says to me, till we meet again. Huh!! I smile back.

True, lady comes back and by then the flowers are on the floor (4 real)…and he glances at us n he is not amused. So we decide to pay our new ‘friend’ a visit with his gal. We stand up and each of us tramples on the flowers, I pick them up, walk up 2 him n say, “We may be lovely ladies as u say, but we don’t need your borrowed flowers.”…Chic is confused and Dude is speechless!!

We just leave them and he sure has a lot to tell his gal.

We go to a different restaurant and have our dinner. It was a fun night.

2007-02-12T04:23:00.000-08:00

INSECURITY!!!

I dont know what's happening in this country but this security stuff is getting into evryone's nerves. Just this morning lost two close family friends - a Father n his son in a carjacking attempt. The fact that they had surrendered the car and were lying on the ground was reason enough for them to be left alone. But nooooooo......this son of a bitch called Matheri decided 2 kill them in cold blood. I wonder, some people know of his wherebouts but they cannot get the audacity to report him to the cops.

I believe this guy is killing everyone on his path coz he knows his days are near. He will get arrested anytyme and is on a mission to kill n KILL!! How many people will die before his arrested?

I would love to get hold of this guy and give him a piece of my mind. Torture him to a slow, painful death just as he has done to many families...His crime activities in Kiambu, athiriver, Gachie and God knows where have left many families bereaved. Like for instnace the Engineer who was killed last week...

This heinous killer needs to be caught not by the police but by the public...who will do justice to him. I am really scared for my parents. Thats the exact tyme that my mum n dad go 2 work and when i received the phonecall...they r the ones who came 2 mind. It would have been them...

I have known that family for a while and they were really good. If my dad was not around and i was late in Campus, the guy would drop me home. The son was a friend but more close o my sisters who were his agemates. A life taken away so young. He was still in college.

**** this Matheri guy...

This insecurity issue is no longer a tyme issue if u can be shot at 7.30am...you leave for work or school and next minute you are dead!

Guyz live your life. Live everyday like its your last. Do say a prayer every mrng for the country, ur family and urself.

Remember to tell those you care about...."I Love u".

2007-02-06T05:47:00.000-08:00

WEDDING CANCELLED!!

2007-01-31T05:38:00.000-08:00

OMG!!! This is the first tyme i can actually say am drowning in work. The bad thing is prioritising coz they are all important! What to do? Am so stressed I just want 2 kick some ass...good thing about it is that when i go home i feel I have done something that is appreciated and will put food on my stool for a lonely mwa.

Anyway, am here to complain, point out...what i hv noticed for a while when watching TV.
Its prime time and there u r with the rest of the family eating Ugali n ingoho when the news jingles starts. Some of u move closer to the TV like u'll get the news b4 those sitted behind nakutega sikio kama simba kwa msitu. Pin drop silence.
Probably you are waiting to see something that transpired in the miasma of your drive to town or even at your workplace. Somel else is just looking for controversy brought up by our politicians who like babies, need a change of diapers. Your sis works at Nairobi women's hospital and told you how a certain girl was raped by her own father and media covered that story. If you are like me, u watch news to be updated and have something to talk about when need arises in any circles. U might say u hv a very uneventful life and just watch news to get NEW information as that what news is all about.

All this is brought by a very handsome or beautiful presenter, doned in the latest outfits and bearing some killer hairstyles (for some). Among the audience are those who are firm believers of the presenters, that they watch closely at every facial expression, listen to every word and believe everything they hear. Role models. Its like Lilian, Kasavuli, Winnie, Swaleh said this so it must be true. Sadique pronounced this word this day so u go and ape the same. Their dressing is copied and their way of talkin emulated! Just ask Muli who practised kwa kioo aping Kasavuli.

Read this 0722 3560745......Biggest probability is that you read the first '0' as letter 'o' instead of zero. So what is the difference btwn the supposed letter 'o' and the number '0' yet they are both zero's. Most presenters actually pronounce this as letter 'o' hence misleading everyone else. Presenters are supposed to be 101% correct in their pronounciations and if they are not sure, should ask before going on air. A word like 'Issue' is pronounced differently by two of our leading local television stations who either follow the British or American style. Its very important for them to stick to one inhouse style.
You can be used to pronouncing a word in a certain way and when your Kasavuli pronounce it differenetly, you revert to her 'correct' pronounciation. Its true alot of us look up to this presenters to educates us in aa way in our linguistic prowess. So if a Presenter makes a blunder, lest assured millions of Kenyans will follow suit.

Presenters should speak to the people in simple terms that can be understood by a Class eight dropout and a Phd Holder. Their main aim is to give us NEWS and not to impress us with Vocabulary which will be noise in the process of communication.

The biggest mistake they do when lets say making a transition to another News Item is saying, "And now to an interesting story" or "Moving on to a sad story"...and such phrases is a NO NO. Their work is to communicate the News to us and its the audience's work to judge whether the News is sad, interesting, controversial or whatever the case. A newsroom is like a policestation where you give your story minus judgements. The courtroom is 'occupied' by the audience who will make their own judgement. They should never give the verdict to a story.

2007-01-17T03:38:00.000-08:00

...and on the 8th day, Kenyans were born! Najivunia, Navumilia, Nasikitika, Natetemeka, Nawakilisha.....kuwa Mkenya.

Kenyans...we are one country that has weird characters. Stuff that happens here cannot even ganer an Oscar or Grammy award coz thats an 'understatement' to say the least. If not our Prezzo callin peeps Mavi ya Kuku and Pumbavu, others raping 5 month old babies, others r moving 2 other countries to mke sme cheddar only 2 be "Decountrilized", martial arts experts in City council and maendelo elections........and the latest one...

She strides in and captures all attention. Her beautiful smile lighting up the place. This lady is always dressed to kill and like Missy Elliot, never dones the same outfit twice!
Our Kenyan missy Elliot, is a Bishop, who has found love in the far end of Africa to the south. She is now in the 37% of women who are lucky (according to a local daily, 63% Kenyan women r single) and she could not wait for a chance to fly the guy here and show him off to Kenyans. The man was cleary caught unawares as he stood at the pulpit really surprised. The Bishopsilla is busy tellin her congregation of the 10m tail she'll have for her wedding dress.....
In the outskirts of town, a Mr. Ndimu is really shocked by the news that the Bishopsilla is geting hitched. What to do? He reasons the best way is to get the media and inform beloved Kenyans he was married to Bishopsilla years ago n they had children!
Bishopsilla gets wind of this, of course kwa TV, and reacts outrageously. Never in a million years would I hv thot she would utter the words she did and worse in the church!!!
“The man who is making those claims has hands which appear as though they have been eaten by jiggers. He looks miserable. He can go look for a rope and hang himself somewhere. We shall do a funeral.”
Correct me if am wrong but a big congregation in that church are 'miserable' and not well up yet there they were cheering and applauding her on such an asinine comment.
So drama unfolds and the Bishopsilla is running from one radio station to another to tell her story....eish mama...
Now i hear they have assaulted and locked up Journalists in JIAM centre as they were attending a press conference... (more in kesho's paper).
N she says this is political...this was just a way to show the devil in her.

This would make for a good movie and we should hv Martin Scorsese or Gore Verbinski be the Director coz they would surely agree its musch better than Pirates or Departed.

Btwn, there is a new shop near I&M called Enkarasha and it has stuff for everyone! Its a Truworths, Identity, kawa stalls, nakumatt/tusker....u name it combined. U cn get a skirt or trao for 3K or a top for 500. Fit for everyone's purchaisng capability. My favourite was the gift and jewellery section. Good stuff. N guess who owns it as i hv been told? Bishopsilla!
www.enkarasha.com

2007-01-11T03:36:00.000-08:00

Over lunch today we had a very heated conversation on how our parents met. I know, how did such a topic even arise? When an old couple walked into the restaurant we were in and they were holding hands. That was a very romantic gesture to 99.9% of us who have never seen their parents hold hands when taking a walk. I have onle seen my parents hold hands just in the form of greetings. My siblings n I tell them they r old fashioned....
So there were some interesting stories from my colleagues on how their parents met. One told us of how their parents met at a phonebooth, another when herding cows (what the mum was doing kwa msitu bado hakujibu), and the funniest was one who said ati the parents met when the dad gv the mum a ride on a bicycle on her way to the market. (The way he explained it totally killed me.)
I have never asked my parents how they met and i def know its not in college or uni n since they lived miles apart......thats my assignment for the weekend. My mum will probably freak out and think am heading towards the institution of marriage....but an assignment has to be done. Cant wait!
That brings me to a fact: people meet in the strangest and weirdest of places. Am sure some of u bloggers can attest to that and a few confessions would back up this fact.
Here is one of mine.....during the last census (i ws in high school), this very handsome guy came n the kairitu was head over heels....The guy did his job and here I am wishing he cld stay forever so i would just look at him. When he left i knew that was the last i had heard from him. The next day dude was there ati he had 4gotten to write the census number they write kwa mlango. N we exchanged our P.O.Boxes (none of us had a mungorio ama email) n that resulted to a two yr relationship...hehee....i usually remind him and its just so amusing....never wld i hv bet a million mullah i wld ever meet any1 that way. Thats just one of my 'weird' meetups.
Any1 want to share?

Btwn...
Relationships are all about Geography. Thats why you meet ur better half in a bus, workplace, when u bang into them in a car accident (shld try this), church, kwa gate, kwa mama mboga....etc. Then here comes the internet. From the internet comes the issue of long distant relationships (LDs). That brings me 2 a question that has so many 'myths' u'd think those in it are insane.
Do LD's work?
Fimbo ya mbali haiui nyoka?

2007-01-04T05:38:00.000-08:00

2007, wonder what it holds for U n I?

Happy new year dear bloggers and hope so far its going well for U.

Mine started well. I have a rule that I never go out on new years eve and always love being at home with the family reminiscing about the past year. It was no different this tyme. Then come 1st '07 and i went 2 pick up the church priests who were presiding over mass at 7am in our church so had to be awake by 5.30am. I picked them up and was in church by ten to 7am. After church I went home and we left for my granny's at around 1pm coz its only 40mins drive from home and we use the Nairobi-Nakuru highway. Here I am with the whole family minus my dad who would join us later happily heading for the extended reunion. There are several vehicles on the road and am behind a white mercedes. On my side is a blue pick up and infront of that pick up is a big truck. I look to my side mirror and there is a white saloon car trying to overtake us but the truck has occupied most of the space and the driver ahead is not willing to move to the other lane despite his slow speed. Then all of a sudden the car infront of me swerves to the right, and i realise whats ahead of me. Then all hell broke loose."Do not panic", i say to myself. Some crazy dudes whose car hd a puncture had irresponsibly not taken the car aside and if thats not enuf no majani's, hazard or the red road sign to indicate an accident ahead. I could not swerve on my right coz then i'd hit the pick up. Onmy left was a ditch and if not the ditch then go downhill. The driver of the mercedes infront of me that had swerved was also confused on where to go. Thats when i realised its God for us all. I hit the brakes really hard and the car screeched. I knew i was goin to hit if not the stalled car then the benz or the pick up. When i screeched the dudes from the stalled car stood up and jumped on top of their car to the other side. God knows where they landed. It was a good thing coz for sure i would have hit them. The pick up was also screeching trying to avoid hitting the truck and the stone wall on the highway. At this tyme my mum and my sisters are screaming and my thots are God not 2day and not all of us. Next minute, am past the stalled car and the Benz is on my side, the driver hooting at me, i hoot back and he does the sign of the cross and zooms off. I realise he also had the whole family in the car and i shudder at the thought of what would have transpired. Am tempted to stop and give those two a piece of my mind but my mum is really shaken and one of my sisters is in panic. I drive off and say a little prayer. How we avoided not crashing i'll never know. I try to remember but after i screeched all else became blank till the driver hooted. I guess God decided the dash btwn 198.....-2007 should be prolonged and so was for the rest of the people there.
Thats reason enuf of me to believe I was given a chance. Hope that all bloggers here make a profound influence and especially through your blogs.

2006-12-19T03:51:00.000-08:00

GET DEDAN KIMATHI'S T-SHIRT FROM KENYA NATIONAL ARCHIVES.

Valerie won...I still want to know if she is Ian's (the judge) daughter.

R.I.P Feroze........................................................................................

A few days to go before christmas. You will either be spending it at home with your family, or with friends, others will travel to their favourite destinations or places they have never been in the spirit of adventure. Apart from being broke from buying presents and to much unwise and unbudgeted spending, this is a holiday that I look 4ward 2 every year. Am plannin 2 head 2 Naks n hv fun before January crawls in with all its sadness and cursing from the mullah mistakes we did in the last week or 2.
January, the month that we make resolutions that only last for a week n some who are disciplined manage 2 adhere 4 a month.
Am one of those who faithfully makes at least 3 resolutions but always end up not achieving any. Well 2007, i want 2 make a difference and i'll make my resolutions work.

Mafans were blog yangu nawapenda wote...mad luv to you. Bants, Banks, Peks, Stacks, Aegeus, Princess, Sisbigbones, Quintessence, Supreme, Eddiie and every1 else who visits my blog. If it were not 4 ur support, i'd not hv psyche 2 write anything. God bless u.

Merry Christmas n a Happy New year! Mwaaaaaaaaaa....

2006-12-15T01:57:00.000-08:00

Jana had some crazy ass exam....INS 313...then i chewed blackout...ati Napoleon (crazy man), Otto von Bismarck (i call him unificer), Fidel Castro (...),...but i must admit some of the things this guys used 2 do just made me laugh...

Btwn...Prezzo has declined the salary rise to 3.2 Million. This would have made him one of the highest paid prezzo's even more than Bush n Blair...PR or genuinely done....haijalishi...kudos 2 the baks!

There is a sudden increase of road accidents lately. Could it be that the Matatu's no longer hv the speed governors or is there 2 much drunk driving going on? One more reason. Arguments....My close girlfriend n her better half were involved in an accident Sato night when headin 2 tao. Reason? They were arguing over petty issues n the guy ws driving at a speed of 140 km/hr, plus eyes off the highway 2 the gal....car hit a pothole, swerved, n plunged in a ditch. Thank God they r still alive!! Lesson...avoid arguments when drivin...sort ur issues at home or in a car park.

Project Fame: N the winner is.........LINDA!!!
Rumuors: ati Renee's dad used 2 buy credit worth 200K for family n friends to vote for her.......real haters out there 4 sure!

Its official: am going 2 lose it! I gv my jamaa a date n he shows up like this..aarrggghhh!!!

2006-12-05T01:48:00.000-08:00

Tusker Project Kenya???

Tusker project fame is an incredible idea and kudos to the guyz who decided to have it here in the country for the East africans.
The contestants names, those who are in or already out of the reality show are:
Uganda:Paul, Melton & Peter.
Tanzania Nakaaya and Tina
Kenya: Alvan, Cedric, Renee, Valerie, Christine A, Christine O, Linda, Francis, Steve.
Several of the above have left the house and guess who are remaining? Kenyans! Last week we saw Nakaaya and Paul leave the house.
This is causing so much talk like this is a Kenyan affair, the Judges are not fair, there is favourism for the Kenyans, the teachers are not choosing good songs for the contestants....
Gaetano, the Tusker project fame host are at loggerheads with Ian, one of the judges, when Ian sent Paul from Uganda on probation. Gaetano made the remark, "project kenya". oooooohhh.....
Last week Gaetano was absent from the show and Ian, after been given the chance to speak by Sheila, said, "Its good 2 c u ALONE!"

Apparently, Gaetano is not the only one who feels that the judges are unfair. A few people I have talked to feel that there should have at least been a balance between Kenya, Uganda and Tanzania.

I tend to differ. Reason? If you are a keen follower of the show Like i do, u'll notice that the performances given by the contestants who have left the house were most of the time wanting. This comptition is all about THE BEST. Not the nationality not beng a lady or a guy, but giving your all throughout the experience and emerging as the best. Hard work, motivation, passion, gr8 voice, owning of the songs and a lot more is what is going to determine the winner of the show.Look at Nakaaya for example, that gal was on probation all through. Infact I had made a bet that she was the one leaving the previous week instead of Tina. The person i thouught would have stayed a bit longer was Paul but from the two weeks performances....he had to leave the house no doubt.

The contestants in the house should not just be looked as Kenyans who have made it. You should look at them as Contestants who have worked hard and strived to be in that house for that long. Valerie & Christine Ogola who r now in probation for the first tyme always give an astounding performance. Compare Paul's performances with Cedric or Alvan. I mean, its right there smack on ur face who is good n who is not. Another lady that i dont understand what she's still doing in the house is Renee. That lady has been in probation everytime n always get saved from votes. Her performances are not the best but i have to give her props for stage coverage and always lookin like a real star! Renee must
have alot of friends coz judging from the shouts of "Renee, Renee..." (of course for her to leave), it contradicts the fact that she wins from the votes. Linda, the Moulin Rouge mama.....one of my favourites, should try and perform better on Saturday.

Any Ugandans or Tanzanians reading this n u watch the reality show, tell us what u think n what people from your home country are saying.
Feel free to make a prediction or who will leave.
On Probation: Christine, Valerie, Cedric and Linda.

2006-11-30T04:25:00.000-08:00

Dealt with the men and as requested by Aegeus, here is something about Us, Women..............the Problems we have and yet try to blame Men...

Mistake #1) Betting Your Love-Life On His "Potential"

Do you know any women who want the man they're dating to behave differently?Of course you do. And just like me, I'm sure you have friends who date guys who don't have much going for them or who don't treat them very well.Somehow these women always have an excuse for the guy's shortcomings.What's going on here?It's actually very simple.Women (and men) don't base their choices of men on how "nice" or "good" someone is to them day-to-day. Women choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them. And guess what? Some women will continue to put up with a guy that doesn't treat them very well.Sometimes for months or years...But why in the world would a woman do that!?Well, to put it simply, they confuse the strong attraction they feel for the guy with a deeper "connection".Women who do this are doomed to end up in failed relationships with the "wrong" guys. Women believe that if they try hard enough, that it would make up for what was lacking.... But until you accept that lots of women do this AND that YOU could be doing it on some level, you'll NEVER have the success with men that you choose and want.

Mistake #2) Assuming You "Get" Men & Their Psychology.

Men are different from women.You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.When a woman sees a man, she can very quickly pick apart certain things about his style, body language, status and character that will tell her all kinds of things about him.Lot's of women don't even consciously see that they do this because the process is so obvious and simple for them. But does the same apply for men?As you probably already know, men are generally more visual. As a result, they often don't understand non-verbal communication as well as women. And men often lack what women have in emotional awareness and "intuition".Women don't seem to remember this about men. So do men feel sexually attracted to w0men based just on looks? Research hs proved"attraction mechanisms" are triggered by things OTHER than looks.Especially when it comes to longer term relationships.Looks just happen to be the most obvious way... But looks are NOT the most powerful. If you know how to use your body language AND communication correctly, you can make men feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see that hot, great looking guy that you got to know.But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this. And ANY woman can learn how...

Mistake #3) Pretending To Be Something For A Man.

In the desire to please a man, women are constantly doing things to get a man's attention, to get him to like them or to make him more attracted or in love with them. Another HORRIBLE idea.Lots of women mistakenly think that doing unusual things to try and get a guys attention will make him magically see what a great catch they are and want to be with them.Wrong.Men YOU TRULY WANT are never attracted to the types of women who kiss up to them, make weak plays for affection or complain to get what they want... EVER.Don't get me wrong here. Things like being sexy for a man or encouraging him to share his feelings can be good, but it has to be genuine, unselfish, and most of all timely. You don't have to act like an "easy" woman for men to like you, and you certainly don't have to play like he's some gift to the Earth.Doing these things actually works to subtly, at an subconscious level, lower your social status with a man, which has EVERYTHING to do with how he sees you as a woman.So if you think that making him more attracted to you means "playing to the man's fantasies" from the start, think again.You'll never succeed by looking for a man's approval, finding your way into his heart through sex and not being yourself.

Mistake #4) Sharing How You "Feel" Too Early With Him is another huge and unfortunate mistake that most women make.

Listen...Attractive, single, successful men are rare.They get a LOT of attention from women.Most women don't realize this, but attractive men are being approached in one way or another all the time by women.And guess what? Attractive wen have usually dated a lot of women.That's right. They have EXPERIENCE.They know what to expect.And one thing that turns an attractive men off and sends him running away faster than just about anything... It's a woman who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates.This signals to the man that you're just like one of those "clingy" stereotype women who want to rush into a relationship and can't control yourself from wanting a man to fulfill them and complete their lives. This does NOT spell ATTRACTION for a man.Don't do it. Lean back. Relax. There's a much better way...

Mistake #5) Misreading The Important "Signals" That Men Send.

Men are constantly communicating how they feel about a woman and giving away big secrets about themselves.Most women don't pay attention to these signals or recognize them for what they really are.The signals men send have 4 main levels:
1) Social: Where the man is at in his own life - stability, confidence, direction
2) Emotional: Whether or not he's "emotionally available"
3) Physical: If he's attracted to you and for what reasons
4) Love State: If he's open to building and growing a relationship in the futureThe funny thing is that men send signals in these areas completely on accident. That's great news to women.... Men can't help it!You need to learn to recognize these signals to get anywhere with a man.

Mistake #6) Relying On Your Natural Ability To Judge A Man's Character. People aren't easy to figure out, especially the opposite sex.

Women communicate with hints, body language, sarcasm, and flirting when they're first getting to know a man.They can either directly or indirectly let men know if they're open to something more serious. Men are different.Men generally communicate with sarcasm, humor, cockyness and other "indirect" displays of status.Very rarely will a man be able to honestly communicate to a woman whether or not he's ready or capable of developing a meaningful relationship. Aside from their sexual interests, men send very indirect signals about where they're at.If you don't know how to read through the signals men send, then you'll get the wrong message.Getting the wrong messages from men causes women more pain and heartache than any other issue around. You can avoid this pain if you learn to indentify a good man from a bad one.

Mistake #7) Expecting A Relationship To Make You Happy.

Thinking a guy will change her life and make her happy and fulfilled, and sure, there are situations and relationships where this happens.But those are the exceptions, not the rule.Nothing says "Run!" to a man faster than hearing or sensing that a woman immediately wants him to take care of her.And the men who ARE looking for this kind of situation aren't exactly the most healthy, loving, nurturing people out there.Think, "controlling, macho or serious Mom Issues!" So let me be clear....I think it's important that people help fulfill each other in their lives, whether it's dating, a relationship, etc.But if a woman communicates that she's looking for a guy to take care of her, complete her, make her whole, and all that kind of stuff - it has a VERY negative effect on what the man will think of her.It doesn't have to be spoken by the woman either...If a woman thinks or feels this way, the man will see it and pick up on it, regardless.This is arguably the worst thing a woman can do early on when dating a man.So what can you do as a woman?You can get the man interested and involved in your life in a more "natural" way, where he'll be motivated to make you care about your happiness and fulfillment on his own.This is the only way it really works for people - male or female.Self-motivation is much stronger than external motivation.But you have to know how to create this situation with a man....and it rarely happens by accident.

Mistake #8) Trying To "Convince" Him To Like You Or Love You.

What do most women do when they meet a man that they REALLY like... but he's just not that interested or isn't as serious?Right! They try to "convince" the man to feel differently.Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A MAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!Never, ever, ever. You cannot convince a man to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".Think about it. If a man doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that by being "reasonable" with him?But we all do it. Men are the worst at this by the way. They're always complimenting women who don't like them and buying them gifts.Women like the behavior sometimes, but it NEVER makes the woman like the man.She might enjoy what she gets out of it, but it doesn't change the way she FEELS about him.When a man just isn't interested, women will try and chase, compliment, convince and do their best to change his mind with logical and rational approaches.Bad idea. Another one that will never work.

Mistake #9) Not Knowing What To Do In Each Type Of Situation.

A man has a clear idea of what he wants from a woman...And I don't mean just sex.I know, it might be hard to believe, but if you're out on a date with a man, he already has an idea of what he wants from you.And if you don't know HOW to find this out, and you just sit there looking at him and flirting, or trying things you think will make him want you, he won't help!If you don't know what to do in each situation, you'll probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.

Mistake #10) Not Getting Help.

This is the biggest mistake of all.This mistake keeps women from EVER having the kind of success and finding the kind of man and relationship that they truly want.

2006-11-28T02:59:00.000-08:00

IF A MAN WANTS YOU

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.

If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.

If a man loves you, he will call to know how you are.

Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.

Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.

Stop trying to change yourselves for a relationship that's not meant to be.

Slower is better.

Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.

If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve

then heck no, you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.

Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is.

Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself

a year later for staying when things are not better.

The only person you can control in a relationship is you.

Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.

He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant,
Why would he treat you any differently?

Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you.

If something bothers you, speak up.

Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.

You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within.
Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a

quasi-god.

He is a man, nothing more nothing less.
Never let a man define who you are.

Never borrow someone else's man.
Oh Lord! If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.

A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.

All men are NOT dogs.

You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two-way street.

You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about

baggage... deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship

You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists

of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.

Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.

Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always know where you are, and your

always readily available to him- he takes it for granted.

Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need.

Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

2006-11-24T05:21:00.000-08:00

Probably some of u have read the Kwani books and especially the
Kwani 03 which is a work of art from different people in Kenya. I came across this review from a freelance writer and its very good. Read along and leave your comment.

A GEM THAT IS TRULY KENYAN.
By Caleb Otieno

Very rarely does a piece of art get to touch on virtually all spheres of life. Especially Kenyan art. It is hard to find a multi-thematic piece of art that correctly and ingeniously covers all aspects of a Kenyan’s life. Where an attempt is made, it is more often than not jumbled up and may not at all level cover the themes correctly or clearly.
Binyavanga Wainaina, and his motley crew of 6 (or what is referred to as the Limuru 7), has managed to piece together a multi-thematic work of art that is correct, but engrossing; brutally honest; moving; controversial.
It is not a straightforward kind of novel or collection of short stories. It is mercurial. Constantly changing. Its themes are a multi-layered and complex conundrum, yet at the same time easy to comprehend and appreciate.
Released on barely 3 weeks ago, Kwani 03 is the latest in the series of short stories from Kwani Trust.
In 415 pages, Binyavanga and crew have managed to piece together virtually all aspects of Kenyan life. In short stories, poems, cartoons and comic strips, Kwani 03 brings out the best and worst in the Kenyan society and Africa at large. I say Africa because I feel that Kenya is a micro-cosm of the entire African continent.
From politics, to corruption, mental illness, joblessness, the Kenyan police force, teenage sex, child abuse, immigration, history, mobile phone culture; all are covered in this book.
Although the book is well written, I must comment on the editing. In some stories it is so poorly done that one gets the idea that time was running out and the editor had to beat a deadline.
Aside from that, the book is a well-executed work. Granted, working with many different writers who all have a different style and tone of writing, there are some stories that could do with a bit of critic. Actually all the stories have some default; it is only human to err after all.
Starting right from the cover, one gets a 70’s impression that is maintained throughout the book. There are excerpts from a Joe magazine (fictional??), published in 1975, that truly brings out the old school line of thought. In addition, there is a collection of some very old (and not so old) photos ranging from a very rare one of Gen. Dedan Kimati, to some of Chief Wambogo (the last king of the Kikuyu) taken in 1909. There are also some that are quite funny- at least I found them so. These are photos taken in the 1970’s of young people then dressed to kill and with poses to match.
Poetry is also included with entries from Tony Mochama, Ed Pavlic and Steve Partington amongst others.
Getting back to the stories, I cant for the life of me, pick the best. They are all so good. You have to read them to understand what I mean.
Take “The Application” for example. Karanja wa Njama writes this sad yet captivating story. The story is about a woman, a respected schoolteacher with three children, who suddenly goes mad. On the surface it may seem that she has been driven crazy by the pressures of her family, but there is more. The story does not only tell us how her family virtually abandons her but how she eventually becomes a cult figure. The story is written in such a way that although you get to empathize with the woman, one still manages to view the situation without getting chocked up.
In “African Summers, Nuclear Winters”, Duncan Kisia takes us through the life of a Kenyan student studying in the US. We get to see how he adopts to the life around him and how he manages to relate with a girl who he finds a bother and a pest. The most interesting part of this story is how the character manages to move from being homesick to forgetting about it and even lying about his origins. His fears, triumphs, failures, are all brought out in a few pages that live the reader gushing for more. It, though, is not the typical story of a Kenyan who goes abroad and succeeds (or fails) and lives happily (or in misery) ever after. To find out more, read the book.
“Still Playing” by Marziya Ali and illustrated by Mindbender is a brutally honest cartoon strip of how a game turns to a nightmare for a young boy when he gets abused by his playmate. The most shocking, infuriating, part is the identity of his playmate. Given the rise in the number of child abuse cases in the country currently, “Still Playing” rings true and provides disturbing food for thought.
Three friends, Okoth, Kiptum and Ndungu, are very good friends, or at least they cheat themselves so. “Eating” by Muthoni Garland, takes a critical look at this convenience friendship. The three main characters are so different that their friendship is so startling and difficult to conceive. It is more of a joke. All three are involved with one woman, who also happens to be the wife of one of them. Matters are made worse by the fact that they are all policemen. The story does not only examine the frailties of friendships but also the harsh living conditions that our cops have to contend with.
A quite controversial inclusion in Kwani 03 is several stories and written in Sheng. Some “literary experts”, gave Kwani 02 a tongue lashing for the same thing, but Binyavanga has stuck to his guns.
I must comment that the stories though in Sheng, are quite well written. Roger Akena starts off with “Machoco, MaSMS, Hanyaring and Kompe.” It would be hard to place this offering on a specific altar. One has to read it and see it to be able to understand to what god of literary, it owes its allegiance.
The best effort in the Sheng category, as far as I am concerned, is by Mwangi Mahugu aka Mwas in “Captured”. This is the story of a shebeen, somewhere in Dandora. “Captured”, well, captures the shebeen, its patrons, owners, and neighbourhood. It is a tale told in such a simple manner that it is clear- provided you could speak and read Sheng. The manner of writing is so down to earth that one can help but relate to the story.
The coup de grace for the book is “The True Story of David Munyakei”, by Billy Kahoro. Munyakei is the guy who blew the whistle on the whole Goldenberg conspiracy/fiasco.
It is a moving, engaging tale that is so detailed and yet not cluttered. The writer manages to condense a 10-year story into close to 50 pages.
The story, though, does not place Munyakei on a higher plane. Rather, it commends his actions, but at the same time shows us that he is not perfect. The writer though may at times appear to be enamored of his subject, keeps his writing as objective as he can. He manages to avoid making the story appear to be a PR exercise for Munyakei, which is what it is.
Kwani 03 is so far the best that Kwani Trust has put together. Where else can you get a book written by a free lance journalist, a TV screenwriter, a Swahili rapper, an ex advertising executive, a PHD student and Binyavanga Wainaina? It is simply a masterpiece.

2006-11-15T01:25:00.000-08:00

This is a true story as narrated to me by a victim of rape and a friend…. It was a tough experience as she narrated this to me.

Since she was five years old, Esther fell victim to sexual assault or molestation by her uncle. In her naivety, she did not know what was happening to her and never told even her parents. This was also due to several warnings by her uncle of stern action if she ever divulged any details to anyone. Esther became a victim of incest rape.

Everyday, she would wake up and get prepared for nursery school by her mother. Her father would then drive her to the school and have somebody pick her up in the afternoon. The school was 3kms away from home, and since the dad was working and the mum was a housewife, they had either the uncle or the house help go pick Esther up from school. They would both trek the journey back home and her uncle would brag to everyone that she was his daughter. He would even have Esther's friends accompany her and take photo's. The uncle was a neighbourhood photographer and that's how he earned his income.

Interest in the uncle picking her up increased and he eventually did it everyday. They would get home and she would go to the parent’s house first and take tea or change her uniform. The uncle, who lived in the guest house, would call her to his house to apparently spend time with her as the mother was busy.

The young girl would then be taken to his bed and it would all happen. The uncle removed all her clothes and left her naked. He touched her and did all sorts of things with his hands as little Esther lay helplessly on the bed. He then removed all his clothes, and asked her to touch his manhood and wriggle her body on him. He would then force her into sexual intercourse. This ordeal happened for almost three years and this was because the Uncle was chased out of the guest house for his involvement in theft at Esther's parent's home. Esther believes, partly, that is why he was chased out. She does not know if her parents ever found out. Luckily she did not develop any STD's and her mum usually wondered why she usually changed her walking style sometimes. She assumed it was because of the 3km walk from school.

The mum was always busy in the house or in the garden and she trusted the uncle with their daughter. Never did any thought of immorality happening to her daughter, cross her mind. After all he was part of the family, and unlike today you would trust your daughter with your male relatives.

Whenever Esther’s mum would go to the clinic or elsewhere, the uncle went to the extent of having sex with the house girls infront of Esther and forcing her to witness their unnatural acts. He would even bring in his friend and would have a threesome before the little girl but luckily they did not tell her to join in. Esther would cry and scream as she saw the naked bodies of the people that were close to her and there was no one to run to or tell. Her mind was getting filled with indecent acts of pervert adults.

Esther grew up traumatized and feared all men. She became aloof and did not trust anyone. She always wanted to be alone. Whenever she would see her uncle come pick her up, she would start crying. Other times she would run to her teacher’s house near the nursery school and refuse to go home till her dad came to pick her up during the night. Everybody thought it’s because she loved her teacher. Little did they know…

Now a grown up past twenty years, Esther has tried to put the whole ordeal behind her. She has never gone for any counseling and only managed to tell a close friend of her ordeal more than 16 yrs after it happened. She is working on her career and trying to help other kids who might be faced with the same kind of ill fate.

No family member knows what befell her. No one knows how grateful she was when her uncle died last year. Only three people know of this ordeal. As from today, a whole lot more will know after I blog about it with her permission. She might one day speak up and say, “Yes, it happened to me.”

Many out there have been victims of incest rape. This has been a common occurrence nowadays with fathers raping their kids, cousins raping each other….and many more you might have read in the local dailies. What is the world coming to? In this day of HIV/AIDS, how many children will get infected from ‘people’ who cannot control their sexual desires?

The frightening question, Who next?....

2006-11-09T23:34:00.000-08:00

Police Cars of the World...I need 2 be a cop....

Italian police car...Lamborgini..gallardo..max speed 320km/hr

Japan...lancer Evo IX..max speed 280km/hr

France ...peugeot...sports gt

Germany .....audi TT max speed 280km/hr

US .....porsche ......Do I have to tell the speed...

Now for the Ultimate Police Car in the World !!!
KENYA

2006-10-31T01:50:00.000-08:00

Got this written by a guy an its really interesting....

A Special Offer For Single Men Only...
“The Ten Most Dangerous Mistakes YOU Probably Make With Women—And What To Do About It...”
Here Are The Top Ten Reasons Why Men Fail With Women—And How To Make Sure YOU Avoid Every One Of These Deadly Common Mistakes...
MISTAKE #1: Being Too Much Of A “Nice Guy”
Have you ever noticed that the really attractive women never seem to be attracted "nice" guys? Of course you have.
Just like me, I'm sure you've had attractive female friends that always seemed to date "jerks"... but for some reason they were never romantically interested in YOU.
What's going on here?
It's actually very simple...
Women don't base their choices of men on how "nice" a guy is. They choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them.
And guess what?
Being nice doesn't make a woman FEEL that powerful ATTRACTION.
And being NICE doesn't make a woman CHOOSE you.
I realize that this doesn't make a lot of logical sense, and it's hard to ACCEPT... but GET OVER IT.
Until you accept this FACT and begin to act on it, you'll NEVER have the success with women that you want.
MISTAKE #2: Trying To“Convince Her To Like You”
What do most guys do when they meet a woman that they REALLY like... but she's just notinterested?
Right! They try to "convince" the woman to feel differently.
Well, I have news for you... YOU WILL NEVER CHANGE HOW A WOMAN "FEELS" WHEN IT COMES TO ATTRACTION!
Never, ever, EVER.
You cannot CONVINCE a woman to feel differently about you with "logic and reasoning".
Think about it.
If a woman doesn't "feel it" for you, how in the world do you expect to change that FEELING by being "reasonable" with her?
But we all do it.
When a woman just isn't interested, we beg, plead, chase, and do our best to change her mind.
Bad idea. One that will never work.
MISTAKE #3: Looking To HerFor Approval Or Permission
In our desire to please women (which we mistakenly think will make them like us), us guys are always doing things to get a woman's "approval" or "permission".
Another HORRIBLE idea.
Women are NEVER attracted to the types of men who kiss up to them... EVER.
Don't get me wrong here.
You don't have to treat women BADLY for them to like you.
But if you think that treating a woman well means "always getting her approval and permission for things", think again.
You will never succeed by looking for approval. Women actually get ANNOYED at men who seek their approval.
Doubt me? Just ask any attractive woman if Wussy guys who chase her around and want her approval annoy her...
MISTAKE #4: Trying To “Buy” Her Affection With Food And Gifts
How many times have you taken a woman out to a nice dinner, bought her gifts and flowers, and had her REJECT you for someone who didn't treat her even HALF as well as you did?
If you're like me, then you've had it happen a LOT.
Well guess what?
It's only NATURAL when this happens...
That's right, I said NATURAL.
When you do these things, you send a clear message:
"I don't think you'll like me for who I am, so I'm going to try to buy your attention and affection". Your good intentions usually come across to women as over-compensation for insecurity, and weak attempts at manipulation. That's right, I said that women see this as MANIPULATION.
MISTAKE #5: Sharing“How You Feel” Too Early InThe Relationship With Her
Another huge and unfortunate mistake that most men make with women is sharing how they "feel" too early on.
Attractive women are rare.
And they get a LOT of attention from men.
Most men don't realize this, but attractive women are being approached in one way or another ALL THE TIME.
An attractive woman is often approached several times a DAY by men who are interested. This translate into dozens of times per week, and often HUNDREDS of times per month.
And guess what?
Attractive women have usually dated a LOT of men.
That's right. They have EXPERIENCE.
They know what to expect.
And one thing that turns an attractive women off and sends her running away faster than just about anything is a guy who starts saying "You know, I really, REALLY like you" after one or two dates.
This signals to the woman that you're just like all the other guys who fall for her too fast... and can't control themselves.
Don't do it. Lean back. Relax.
There's a much better way...
MISTAKE #6: Not “Getting” How Attraction Works For Women
Women are VERY different from men when it comes to ATTRACTION.
You need to accept this fact, and deal with it.
When a man sees a beautiful, young, sexy woman, he INSTANTLY feels a sexual attraction.
But does the same apply for women?
Do women feel sexual attraction to men based mostly on looks? Or is something else going on?
Well, after studying this topic for over five full years now, I can tell you that women usually have their "attraction mechanisms" triggered by things OTHER than looks.
Have you ever noticed that you see a lot more average and unattractive men with beautiful women than the other way around?
Think about it.
Women are more attracted to certain qualities in men... and they're attracted to the way a man makes them FEEL than they are to looks alone.
If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.
But it's not an accident. You have to LEARN how to do this.
And ANY guy can learn how...
MISTAKE #7: Thinking That ItTakes Money And Looks
One of the most common mistakes that guys make is giving up before they've even gotten started... because they think that attractive women are only interested in men who have looks and money... or guys who are a certain height... or guys who are a certain age.
And sure, there are some women who are only interested in these things.
But MOST women are far more interested in a man's personality than his wallet or his looks.
There are personality traits that attract women like a magnet...
And if you learn what they are and how to use them, YOU can be one of these guys.
YOU DO NOT have to "settle" for a woman just because you aren't rich, tall, or handsome.
Let me say this again: If you know how to use your body language and communication correctly, you can make women feel the same kind of powerful sexual attraction to you that YOU feel when you see a hot, sexy young woman.
MISTAKE #8: Giving AwayAll Of Your Power To Women
Earlier I mentioned that it's a mistake to look to a woman for approval or permission.
Well, another similar tactic that a lot of guys use is GIVING AWAY THEIR POWER to women.
Said differently, guys try to get women to like them by doing whatever the woman wants.
Another bad idea...
Women are NEVER attracted to men that they can walk all over... Women aren't attracted to Wussies!
MISTAKE #9: Not KnowingEXACTLY What To Do In EachType Of Situation With Women
Now I'm going to blow your mind...
A woman ALWAYS knows what you're thinking.
Women are approximately TEN TIMES better than men at reading body language. That's ten TIMES.
I know, it might be hard to believe. But for example, if you're out on a date with a woman, and you want to kiss her, she knows it.
And if you don't know exactly what to do and exactly HOW to kiss her, and you just sit there looking at her and getting nervous, she won't help!
And this goes for ALL aspects of women and dating...
Approaching a woman, getting her number, asking her out, kissing her, getting physical... everything.
If you don't know what to do in each situation, you will probably screw it up... and LOSE EVERYTHING.
And you KNOW it.
It is VITALLY important that you know EXACTLY how to go from one step to the next with a woman... from the first meeting, all the way to the bedroom.
MISTAKE #10: Not Getting HELP
This is the biggest mistake of all.
This is the mistake that keeps most men from EVER having the kind of success with women that they truly want.
I know, guys don't like to make themselves look weak or helpless. We don't like to ask for help.
Hey, I've been there myself.
Let me tell you a little about me and how I figured out how to be successful with women...
About five years ago I became fed up with the fact that I didn't know how to approach, meet, and get dates with women that I was attracted to.
It frustrated the hell out of me.
One night I was out with a friend, and I saw a woman I wanted to ask out, but I just couldn't get up the nerve to do it. I can still remember that night... right on the spot I made the decision to do whatever it took to learn how to be successful with women and dating.
Well, after a lot of hard work and trying all kinds of crazy things, I finally figured it all out.
I can now approach just about any woman and get her number almost instantly. I've dated models, I've dated actresses, and I've dated nice, normal, regular girls as well.
It has been a very rewarding experience. I no longer feel that sick, insecure feeling... like I don't know how to meet women... and I might wind up alone.
I know that anytime, anywhere, I can go out and meet attractive women.

2006-10-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

Normal or abnormal Life?

Normal life is leaving the house in the morning which is due for rent, dressed in clothes, that you bought on credit for work, driving through the traffic in a car that you are still paying for, in order to get to the job that you hate but need so badly so that you can pay for the clothes, car and the house that you leave empty the whole day, in order to live in it.

Given a choice a lot of people would like to taste abnormal life briefly.

2006-10-25T05:15:00.000-07:00

…since I could not do the CAT, I headed straight to Tacos (a place I don’t like coz too much of my uni mates) and joined two of my friends who are in the army. I sit down and can’t help to notice a lady who walks in. She was dressed in the most horrifying way. A black transparent top clearly borrowed from her 6yr old sister, a white bra whose straps were quickly taking the colour brown and ….talk of a bad hair day!! Oh, and she was dark as they come. She had just landed from shags and was in Tacos trying to be cool. As fate would have it, and in a wrong way, the only empty seat was at our table and she came and sat there. Next she lights a cigarette and stands to dance alone eyeing some guyz who were sitted across our table. (How do u go out alone?) I look at my friends and other jamaas and they are looking at her quite disgusted.
I decide to ignore her and look elsewhere. People are in a good mood, drinking away and singing their hearts out to the music. I might actually like the place after all. At about 11pm I decide I have heard enough and call it a night.
I have a public speaking class Saturday morning and I prepare myself on time and rush to class. We present speeches, most of which go round insecurity in Kenya and am just appalled at some of the real life experiences that take place.
After class I go get the car from my paro’s digz and holla at my friends who are eagerly waiting. So we go for lunch and on the way am stopped by police. “Matam, toa licence” I had my licence and gave it to him smiling. The damn thing expired in March and I know am in shit. My smile sells me out and his eagle eyes spot the expiry date and he says, “ Matam toga gwa gari” I have had a nasty experience with the police before and I know they can bit a bit cruel when u don’t co-operate. So I alight from the car and look at the cop straight in the eyes. At this point my heart is dancing to the beat of ‘rompee’…and am trying very hard not 2 look nervous. The cop asks me why am driving around with an expired licence and asks me how would I feel if I spent a weekend in jail. I don’t remember what words I ropokwad but they worked on getting me out of there with a stern warning! Phew! I take the car back 2 my crib and leave it there.
Come 8pm and we head to Winkers with a matatu. (no risks) We are to hook up with some pals of mine just outside K.C. and we decide to stand outside n wait. We are looking drop dead gorgeous and obvious eyes drooling our way. But do I say. As we r chatting away, I notice people start to run. Out of curiosity I head 2 the direction where the commotion seems to be happening. I see one of the guards clearly irate, beating a lady senseless with a whip. She is dresses in a strapless top and jeans and I cn imagine the pain plus the marks she’ll bear! Then he turns to a guy, that I assumed was the chic’s jamaa and the guy is unbothered by the way the guard is whipping his chile and is just smoking like nothing is happening. Well, to bad coz the guard beats him, and mind u, his just hitting anywhere and with all the energy he can manage, and the jamaa starts to run. What would they have done to deserve all these thrashing, I wonder. In a second, we are all running! The guard now starts hitting everyone on sight and we run! He is clearly mad. After a few minutes we head back there to find out what happened and found out they were making out, n when asked to stop the chic insulted the guard, then the jamaa did the same and next thing guard chucks a whip and the beatings begin. At this point our friends show up and my friend, Naomi, the drama queen, tells them what cut. U’d think it’s an action film she’s narrating of course exaggerating here n there. I love her.
We head to winkers dance away, have a few drinks, then we go to Tropez, club soundd, and agree to go to carnivore after arguing whether to go there or Choices.
Its about 2am and we hire a cab which we jaza despite the driver’s whining and we promise to ongeza a 100bob 2 calm him down. When we go past nyayo stadium the cab develops mechanical problems and it takes 20mins to repair it with the help of the three jamaas who had joined us at K.C. We are now shivering from the intense cold and the mosquitoes hovering the night are not helping. Finally, we get to move on and cross our fingers that nothing happens before we get to carni. Fortunately, we get there and have an undramatic night mpaka che.
At 6am we head home and part ways in tao. I manage to wake up at 11am n take the car back 2 my paro’s digz then go for salsa classes at Heartz.
Come 8pm and am in bed reminiscing about the whole wknd and make a note 2 myself to 2 come up with a good lie to tell the lecturer why I did not do the CAT yet he saw me running out of class. Damn!!!

2006-10-25T04:35:00.000-07:00

2006-10-12T01:46:00.000-07:00

Its a Friday last week and its my off day. My parents and my sister travel to Uganda and for the first tyme I hv a Car 2 myself 3 days in a row! To make it even better, the only member of the nuclear family in the country. How does the song go, "There can be miracles when u believe..." I was on cloud nine and I made sure my clique knew that WE had a car for the weekend, and my parents were kind enough to have it fuelled and of course a partying venue if need be, my parent's house.
I go shopping for a killer outfit to wear during our night of fun and sure enough am not dissapointed with what I get. I get myself pampered, manicure, pedicure and my hair gets some little touch up. Am all set for the night and the rest of the weekend.
I usually have a class everyday and so i headed to the campus and looking all jovial and bubbly i go to class and what the hell...The class is full! I know u r thinking, its a class so everybody should be there...well for evening classes people are rarely punctual and for this particular class, we have a record of arriving late for a lecture.
I think there's always a first time, but wait a minute...why is everybody so focused on their books? Had they being bitten by a bookworm the previous night...I sit down between my friends who looked stressed to the core and compared to my jovial n lighted up self, they are way dull!!So I ask one of them, "Wsup, kwani why is everybody reading so hard?" There is pin-drop silence and my words trickle to every tom, dick and harry in the class, and they all turn look at me, then look back again at their books. Am rolling my eyes and thinking, what weirdos. My friend clearly not amused says,"If you are ready leave the rest of us to read."
Now am confused. Ready? For what I ask ofcourse looking around and noticing some people giggling. My friend thinking I must be joking says, " The CAT".
The World stop's moving and her words seem unrealistic. Am perturbed! "A CAT!!!" The reaction I gave must have been hilarious because the class laughed loudly for what seemed like hours. How in the heaven's world could I forget we had a CAT? I take my notebook, trembling and oh so red-faced from embarrasment...I get to read the first heading Economics...then all gets hazy n blurred. I close my book and one of the classmates volunteers some pastpapers for me to go through. I look at her and still speechless cant even afford to say a thank you.
I then start laughing...a laughter filled with shock, confusion, anger at myself, tears...the lecturer walks in with white papers.
I run!!!
And my weekend begins...(to be continued)

2006-10-02T02:27:00.000-07:00

Butt Crack
I go out alot and cant avoid 'sight-seeing'. What with some ladies showing the World the natural crack bestowed to all humans by God. When one bends, or is seated…it’s almost always there. The Butt-crack. So what is a Butt-Crack?
The slang dictionary defines it as a descriptive adjective to be used if one's appearance or actions either resemble or call to mind the crevice between the cheeks of the a**.

When a lady wears a hipster, trouser, or a pedal pusher you can sometimes get to see it. It is a sorry sight that is an eyesore and only leaves the recipient utterly disgusted or amused. I say ladies because rarely do we see it with the men. It is true that it happens to us ladies unexpectedly especially when you wear low-waist outfits that are more fashionable these days. Wearing a low waist is good especially to those with petit waistlines. The butt-crack is exposed if the trouser goes too low than expected.

You know, I really don’t get it. You sit down, show us your butt line or crack and you don’t even have the audacity to put on something to cover it.
There is a way that some jeans don’t fit exactly well at the waistline and you may find a perfectly fitting jeans hanging on the backside. To prevent this, you can use a belt to stop your trouser from ‘hanging’ or wear a jeans with a proper waistline.
The plump ladies (no offence) NEVER look good in low-waist hipsters yet they wear them as if it is a prerequisite for their looks. When they sit down…hullabaloo! A butt-crack with cellulite and that gives all a vivid imagination of the rest.
Advantages of wearing low-waist jeans or trousers to some ladies, is that it gives one a nice look that complements ones figure(assuming such a figure exists). It also gives one a lengthy look and you can add a big buckled belt to ‘aesthetise’ the jeans.
Its disadvantages include, exposing your butt crack, showing the cellulite, exposing extra flesh for plump ladies, giving you a sleazy look and of course leaving men either disgusted or otherwise.
So, how do we go about it? It is advisable for one to use a belt to hold on to the waistline. This way, the jeans will not slide down when you sit or bend. Also, buy those jeans that fit well at the waist. This can be found from second hand or new clothes stalls.
As ladies, there is a way we are supposed to bend when picking something from the floor. Do not bend from your waist but rather bend your knees and lower your body. That way you do not expose your butt crack at all.
If you cannot avoid this then invest in butt crack fresheners! They are candy-cane shaped absorbent devices that are flexible and conform to the shape of your body. They are absorbent, to remove that annoying buttsweat, and scented to deter A.O. (a**-odour). The candy-cane shape allows you to hang them on your pants. Available with menthol too, to supply a tingling sensation so you'll never need to scratch.
Ladies, exposing your butt-crack is a no-no and you should do anything possible to stop it from happening and avoid embarrassments.

2006-09-29T01:27:00.000-07:00

Hey guyz...check this out.

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=1185503291

2006-09-28T05:10:00.000-07:00

Employment: Not My thing

Every morning I have to wake up very early and by 8am be in the office. This week I have found myself coming earlier since my boss has not been around and wishing a day had 72 hrs. Too much work! I hate being employed. You have to ask for permission to go somewhere like we used to in primary school, “Excuse me sir, may I go to the toilet?” Adhere to rules and regulations set up for you by the big guys who don’t follow them.

I need to have my own business and investments that will rake in money for me. I want money to work for me. I want to be addressed as Madam!, Most high-in-command (now am pushing it), respected by all! I want my companies to be recognized the World over, to just stand at the stock market and see people ‘fighting’ to buy shares from my company. I want to attend high profile meetings with the likes of Warren Buffet, Bill gates, Donald Trump (someone slap me…NOT!!) or Bill clinton’s meeting where you have to be a millionaire(dollars not shs.) to attend and come up with ways to be supermen to ‘Save the World’.
I want to be the youngest person to own a multibillionaire business and not from inheritance. I want to be able to give back to society but until then…….
….need to type this report……yes sir, I’ll start working on it…..sorry sir am late….sir this….sir that….
Corporate Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel," After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 dollars and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2:
A priest offered a lift to a Nun. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologized "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity. Corporate
Lesson 3:
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin. clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A rabbit asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. A fox jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to Get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshìt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

2006-09-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

This year has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride for me. It started well and like we all believe if your year begins well, then the rest of it will be ok.
Wrong! Well from February, that’s when things seemed to go haywire for me. Sometimes I look back and I just smile. A lot of shit happened and I felt like it’s all over for me. I used to be like that till a few months ago when I decided to change my view of life (well not 360°) and it has given me a purpose of being alive.
There is one part of my life that seems never to go well for me. Love. You are smiling and probably thinking, you are not the only one. Tell me about it. I love men and always will though I never seem to understand them. I blog about them, read about them and chat about them with my friends but no one has ever held an answer to my queries.
I met this guy last year and he was a friend till January this year when we decided to take things a step further. His one guy I would have loved but circumstances made him leave the country in June and there I was back in the dating field. I took it up with another guy, there was chemistry or at least I thought so and later came to realize we would not make a good couple at all. He was a good guy but really nothing would have happened between the two of us.
Then something more comical happened. This guy has been my friend for a while now and I liked him but slowly realized he has the qualities am looking for. He knew about my previous ‘encounter’ and that was what was keeping us apart. No, I am not deluded but really, his charming, intelligent, funny, honest, tall, dark and has same interests as I do. The sad thing his miles away. I have been calebicioused, that’s a word that exists only in my vocabulary so don’t plagiarise it.
Am praying it works out well through trust and communication because without that, its all going to fall apart, then I’ll become a nun in Father Milingo’s church.

2006-09-21T01:32:00.000-07:00

House of Yahweh members are not going into the bunkers for nothing. Awaitin them is a luxurious life that many of us only dream of.

Pictures are worth a thousand words so just
judge 4 urself......as 4 me, am packing n on my way to Nakuru. Lol...

Talk of lavish underground....

2006-09-20T01:18:00.000-07:00

Men: Really hard 2 understand!!!

Men complain that women r the hardest creatures 2 undersatand yet in the real sense, they r! I know u r askin why especially if u r a man n reading this, but we, ladies, never seem 2 understand what you do from your actions, to the words u say, 2 ur...EVERYTHING!!
I love men. God did right 2 creating them because they really are one of his best work of art. They can make you feel as if you are the only existing species around them, the golden star into their eyes, the angel with ur halo still on. They can make you feel secure, loved, spoiled, lusty...or just want 2 explode like a nuclear bomb!!!
They can treat you like a queen, then treat you like a slut. They can shower you with love, or shower you with insults. They can show you off to the world by holding your hand when walking, or just hide you like torn socks in the drawer. They can really have a 360 degrees turn when it comes to attitude.
Its weird how a man can be dating a Monalisa but still want to get side dishes for his satisfaction. They can get one with beauty and brains but still cheat on her. Why do they find it so hard so settle for one woman?
I wonder. Men, search a hard being to understand.

2006-09-19T02:46:00.000-07:00

T-Z of the Alphabet

Trommers White label

U for Utica Club

V for Vat 69

W for Watkins

X for XXX

Y for Yotoc

Z for Zingaro

2006-09-14T01:03:00.000-07:00

Only a woman will TRULY relate to the following, but for all you men ............ this is a great explanation of "What took you so long?" ........... read on .... My mother was a fanatic about public bathrooms. When I was a little girl, she'd take me into the stall, teach me to wad up toilet paper and wipe the seat. Then, she'd carefully lay strips of toilet paper to cover the seat.Finally, she'd instruct, "Never, NEVER sit on a public toilet seat." Then she'd demonstrate "The Stance," which consisted of balancing over the toilet in a sitting position without actually letting any of your flesh make contact with the toilet seat. By this time, I'd have wet down my leg and we'd have to go home to change my clothes. That was a long time ago. Even now, in my more "mature years", "The Stance" is excruciatingly difficult to maintain, especially when one's bladder is full. When you have to "go" in a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women that makes you think there's a half-price sale on Nelly's underwear in there. So, you wait and smile politely at all the other ladies, who are also crossing their legs and smiling politely.You get closer and check for feet under the stall doors. Every one is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter. The dispenser for the new fangled "seat covers" (invented by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang your purse on the door hook if there was one - but there isn't - so you carefully but quickly hang it around your neck mom would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank down your pants, and assume "The Stance."Ahhhh, relief. More relief. But then your thighs begin to shake. You'd love to sit down but you certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper on it, so you hold "The Stance" as your thighs experience a quake that would register an eight on the Richter scale. To take your mind off of your trembling thighs, you reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice saying, "Honey, if you would have tried to clean the seat, you would have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!". Your thighs shake more. You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. That would have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It is still smaller than your thumbnail. Someone pushes open your stall door because the latch doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple backward against the tank of the toilet. Occupied!" you scream, as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny, crumpled tissue in a puddle, and sliding down, directly onto the insidious toilet seat. You bolt up quickly, knowing all too well that it's too late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had taken time to try.You know that your mother would be utterly ashamed of you if she knew, because you're certain that her bare bottom never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, "You just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get." By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of the toilet is so confused that it flushes, sending up a stream of water akin to a fountain that suddenly sucks everything down with such force that you grab onto the toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged off to China. At that point, you give up. You're soaked by the splashing water. You're exhausted. You try to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket, then slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.You can't figure out how to operate the faucets with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and a dry paper towel and walk past a line of women, still waiting, cross-legged and, at this point, no longer able to smile politely. One kind soul at the very end of the line points out that you are trailing a piece of toilet paper on your shoe as long as the Mississippi River (Where was it when you NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it the woman's hand and tell her warmly, Here, you just might need this."As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has since entered, used and exited the men's restroom and read a copy of War and Peace while waiting for you. Annoyed, he asks, "What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around your neck?"This is dedicated to women everywhere who have ever had to deal with a public restroom (rest??? you've got to be kidding!!). It finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It also answers their other commonly asked question about why women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other woman can hold the door and hand you Kleenex under the door. (article from Flakes column)

2006-09-05T05:08:00.000-07:00

Maths.......................

Do u remember the maths where u were told 2 expand?

Used 2 hate them!!!

2006-08-31T06:50:00.000-07:00

A Nike advert u hv never seen..........

2006-08-30T23:37:00.000-07:00

What if all kids were like this?..............lol

........war................................war...................................war....................................

WAR HS TO STOP!!!!

I saw this pictures n i really cried. Do the people who start or take part in this Wars ever look at such pictures of innocent children lying dead, killed by bombs, gunshots, missiles....
Kids who cant even spell A, B, C, D.....hv their lives taken away in a war that they hv no idea is taking place in their countries. The 'lucky ones' hv 2 spend the nights out in the cold, cuddled by their mother 2 gv them a little bit of warmth. Sme go 4 days without food n get malnourished, n eventually die!
What is this world that we r living in doing 2 the children?

2006-08-18T01:53:00.000-07:00

Rib-Cracking 4 sure!!!! Need a laugh.....

NAJIVUNIA KUWA MKENYA

NAVUMILIA KUWA MKENYA ===================================================
1. They eavesdrop shamelessly as you talk on the phone or to your companion. And when you glare meaningfully at them they hold your eyes.
2. They bump into you in the streets then pour forth expletives from their mouths or click their tongues; never mind that it wasn't your fault but theirs.
3. You are stuck in traffic, minding your own business when a driver suddenly and arrogantly cuts in front of you. Then his passenger shoots you a withering look/sneer.
4. A pedestrian nearly causes you a coronary by appearing suddenly in front of your car then he shakes a fist at you and bangs angrily on your car.
5.Everyone talks to you in Kikuyu arrogantly assuming you understand the language; after all you look like you come from 'those' sides.
6. You ask the manamba for your change and he barks out an angry "Unafikiri mimi ni mwizi?" or in reverse the manamba asks a passenger for his fare and gets an acid: "Kwani huwezi kungojea?"
7. At the supermarkets you are standing on the line with your purchase when a bunch of women grunt and effortlessly elbow you out of the way; as if you were just admiring the cashier.
8. Have you noticed how dispassionately and almost coldly Kenyans react to deaths? Especially when they are being interviewed on the news you'll hear comments like: " Lakini kumbe ilikuwa siku yake".
9. You are enjoying your paper when hot (red: unpleasant) breath stirs up the hair on your nape.You turn and discover that you have a reading mate and...wait! he's turning the page so he can get to 'The Watchman'
10. You go to the shops to buy a packet of milk and your neighbor, the shopkeeper and the watchman all use different tactics to pry and snoop into your life. Is that your sister you live with or your girlfriend? Are you Kenyan? You've also got a question for them too: "Will you leave me alone?!"
11. Have you ever ridden in a lift or a matatu twice simply because Kenyans won't wait for you to file out of the lift or matatu before they enter?
12. The way they dig their noses furiously then stretch out the same hand to greet you. Shudder, shudder.
13. Matatu's dropping off passengers before 'mwisho' not caring whether you are angry. The passengers' spewed curses fly cleanly past...........
14. The way they are all up in your face with their know-it-all attitude giving you in depth 'helpful' advice or info. Oh, disinterest does not put them off.
15. What about long distance relatives who arrive unannounced at your doorstep and wait for your ecstatic squeal as they grandly announce that they are there for a week.
16. Gossiping. Enough said... Kenyans decided to help the Almighty in judging others.
17. If you suddenly get into an impressive amount of money you are a car jacker. Or a devil worshipper. Or both. And to the cops all men are jambazi, all women are whores. That simple.
18. Finally did you know that you could be robbed or raped in a public place and not a soul would come to your rescue? They all watch from the sidelines silent and unmoving as you live your nightmare. Later, much later, they might come and ask you about the details. So, did that give you a deep sense of déjà vu? Or did the shoe fit?

2006-08-18T01:51:00.000-07:00

Men r really hard 2 understand!!!