Part 111

Get urself some popcorn, pour some muratina/busaa for urself n get ready for the hottest meanest Collabo of Unyc and a certain Guest Blogger....

Archer, Bomseh and Betty rushed to the car and noticed there were two passengers. “Bomseh, go over to the driver’s side and check if he’s ok.” Archer ordered hastily-he took control of the situation unlike First-Aid class drop-out he was. The lady in the passenger’s seat was ok but in shock. “Thank God you are fine.” Archer says as he gets her out of the car. Bomseh played his role reluctantly, unhappy that he ended up helping Kirima. He loathed the fact that Archer was all over Chatterly, who seemed to play that damsel in distress bit like the tease she was. Bomseh helped a sweaty Kirima onto the pavement who kept muttering incoherencies. Chatterly, grateful that she had worn clean underwear (like her mama had taught her) fainted into the arms of Archer. Archer gently lay her down delicately like a porcelain doll. Bomseh tried to run to her rescue but Kirima was clutching at him grunting “…car loan!...help me…nifanyeje!” Archer unbuttoned Chatterly’s blouse…ready to kiss her back to life…like he had learnt on that manikin named Dolly in First Aid Class. This time with a little more restraint-he was not going to try to mount her like he had back then. Pursed his lips, tucked the 3hr old chewing gum huko nyuma at the back of his tongue and went to …

The cops that were chasing Modo stopped at the accident scene and interrupted Archer who was there with his quivering quiver full of arrows . Within minutes the written-off car was being towed away to Lang’ata Cops station and Chatterly had already come to. “Do u guys need a lift? We could drop you off home.” Archer offered as he scanned the ladies finger for a wedding ring. She didn’t have any and he was happy about it. “We were on our way to Carnivore and we will still head there.” Kirima says not one to be deterred by the car-loss. “Great! We are heading there too.” Bomseh offers. They get into Helen Bandia and head to Carnivore.

In Carni, 3N and Mwangi turn and look at Mama Shady with her pal. Finally some hot mama’s. Within minutes Ichiena, HnH, Nakeel and Shiro also walk in. Ichi n HnH rush to the dance floor without wasting tyme. Dancehall nite was kicking and the ladies got into the mix. Mwangi started making Isikuti dance moves to Beenie man’s ragga track trying to catch the gal’s attention. He looked like a public circumcision gone 1 inch wrong!! 3N on the other hand sees Mama Shady and targets her. After all, her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard… Mama Shady and 3N get entwined in a forbidden dance.

Later on Shiro and Nakeel joined in and they danced to oblivion. It was refreshing to see Shiroh a recovering alcoholic so happy with life. Almost inspiring. A few hours later it was time to go. Mama Shady kept being interrupted by her househelp ati Shady is trying to flush the kitten…she could care less tonight she was throwing caution to the wind. She left with 3N who had her in stitches when he explained how he got his nickname. Apparently he used to eat 3 eggs every morning when he was a tot. He thought eggs were called ‘hen.’ So he’d throw breakfast tantrums, demanding with the limited vocabulary -but unlimited kao accent “3 N” “ni ng’wenda kulia 3 en”

Mama shady was sold-she loved her muthokoi and her kamba men! 3Hen loved his older women. Match made in heaven!

Mwangi on the other hand had to choose between Ichiena and HnH. He liked tha catholic schoolgirl dressing Ichiena had. Pigtails and lotsa lip gloss and lotsa facial glitter and lotsa attitude and lotsa bubble gum and stockings that went all the way to her armpit. TOTAL TRAMP! On the other hand HnH was so teenage looking, so pubescent…so unchartered…so undiscovered…pure like a golf-course. Mwangi was sure this was the grass for his flag. He dissed the rough terrain of Ichiena and went home with the meadow.

Archer, Bomseh, Chatterly and Kirima walk into Carni. They moved to the bar and stood there. Archer seemed to be making headway with a very interested Chatterly. She giggled on cue, laughed at his jokes while throwing her hair back, stroked his arm when she was talking to him…straightened his collar...complimented the fact that he wore buttons instead of a zip in his corduroy pants…she called him special. All the signs were there-chemistry!! He was so in there..until she received a phone call. “Hello…where are you? yeah we’re here at the bar, …I can’t see you…or there you are let me come to you!” And with that she dismissed Archer with “Weh msee Tuchekiane!”

She run off yelling “Sweetie…Tato…I’m here!” and she jumped into the arms of her beau pecking his double sized neck with undying love!” Tato didn’t like this public display of affection, especially after she made him drop his porn DVD’s. Knowing Tato these were Director’s cut’s which he had borrowed so that he and Chatterly would be enthused in the behind the scenes. “Pirates of the Curly Labia” starring Johnny Deep was a must watch. She hated porn…she hated the false hope it gave her when she was with Tato…she loved the Tato…it’s the little spud she had a problem with!

Modo was now in a state of quagmire. He could not go home and he was sure his parents were really mad at him. He had managed to lose the cops and ended up at some dingy bar in Nairobi west. “Malt baridi” he asked the amorphous waitress on his lap playing with his dreads and rubbing his forehead. He had loved his dreads but not the burly Wamaitha! This had the makings of a terrible night…

EGM wakes up at around 1 am and feels the urge to go to Carni. He showers, dresses up, kisses his camera goodnight and goes down to take a cab. Milo, the cab-driver who loves his job regardless notices EGM and pulls up to him. A little like Richard Gere to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman but that’s besides the point. Inappropriately the song playing on the radio is “…pull up to my bumper baby!”

Milo: ‘Sup!

EGM: Wassup!

Milo: Do you want a ride?

EGM: Do you want to give me a ride?

Milo: Do you want me to want you to want me to give you a ride?

EGM: How much to Carni?

Milo: Mmm so you like steak

EGM: Yeah…nothing like tender rump roast

Milo: Yeah?

EGM: Yeah!...so how much?

Milo: 1200 ..but without safety belt 1500

EGM answers in the affirmative, the price and does not bargain. Milo smiles coz he had doubled the fare and dude had not noticed. Happy that he had clenched oops clinched the deal he drives off. On the way, Milo makes a call, “Niaje mko wapi?...Mko na small bro?... Poa na come kuwapick niko na client hapa.” EGM looks at Milo, “Ur brother?” Milo pretending 2 concentrate more on driving, “Yes, They want to go to Carni too so I promised to pick them up and drop them if I get a client heading there.” EGM shrugs it off feeling cheap and says, “cool”. Milo looks out the window and smiles.

Milo stops at the Nairobi west stage and sure enuf his supposed brothers are waiting for him. They both enter the back seat and Milo drives off. “These are my bro’s.”

EGM gets sandwiched between Spidey and Bants. Cold stares greet him and not a word comes from them. “Your bro’s are not a friendly lot.” EGM whimpers he whips out baby-wipes and mops his brow. Milo replies coyly, “They are shy.”

Spidey’s sweat fills the air…a cross between a carpenter at 4pm and a pre-rexona showering mboch at 11 am. And that was on EGM’s right…to the left (everything in a box to the left) there was Bants chewing kiraiku …munching loudly and spitting violently in a polythene bag he had with him.

Driving down Lang’ata road Milo passes the entrance to Carni. EGM points it out and Milo ignores him. “What is going on here? Who are you people?” Milo drives towards Rongai and enters some forest and comes 2 a halt. “Get out of the Car. Toka! Out! ” EGM does as he’s told. Milo’s ‘bros’ also come out and start frisking EGM. Inappropriately the song playing on radio is “Frisky” by that defunct TZ group. Spidey chucking a serviette from his tight spidey suit in an opening near his groin, “Lets stuff some of these in his mouth.” EGM offers his baby-wipes…Milo silences EGM with a slap. Bants was there singing “…now why don’t you slap my face because I’m Bants...I’m Bants…you know it I’m Bants…and the whole world has to answer right now…and I tell you once again…I’m Bants!!!” With that he stood on his toes and spat out more tobacco.

“Huyu msee ana chapaa, kwanza ana dollar!” says Spidey. Bants was could not believe the type of phone EGM had. They would get a good deal for it. Perhaps with the cash they would get Spidey cured. He had that ugonjwa ..ile ya kuonana kimwili. Poor Spidey had gotten more than he had bargained for from a certain waitress called Wamaitha. The money could be used to tie Milo’s tubes to prevent all those milo-lettes/milo-lings that have been sprouting in Kibera slums. Bants was dying for his own bed...tired of sharing the double decker with Milo’s kids…though at least he blamed the bed wetting on them!

Bants said,“Natutapata a lot of beers…” Bants moved closer to EGM, “Pliz lets pray for this money and the beer we are going to have. Do u drink? EGM says no and Bants proceed to pray, “Baba yetu uliye breweries, bia zako zisifike, vinywaji vyako vitufikie hapa bar kama huko kiwandani, utupe pombe zetu za kila siku, utusamehe sisi walevi kama nasi tunavyosamehe wasiolewa kama EGM, usitufanye tujenge mbali na bar, bali karibu na grocery kwa kuwa bia zote ni zako, guiness, pilsner na hata tusker. N we all say “Beer!!!” they say in Unison. EGM cannot believe what is happening to him. He had to be mugged barely 24 hrs since he arrived in the country. What a welcome home!!

Virtual bytes Ltd was doing well at the Stock exchange market. The MD Aegeus was happy with his company’s growth and its current expansion to Sudan and Rwanda was indeed a smart move. As he is deliberating on matters concerning the company, his wife walks into the office. “Hi sweetie, you are looking lovely as always.” Aegeus says as he stands to give her a kiss. Mrs. Aegeus ( smiles as she walks towards her husband. He had never even for a day failed to complement her even if she wore a gunia). She loved him for that. “Hi dear. Just came to see you and tell you about our son.” “What did he do this tyme?” “U know that he dint come home yesterday and even when I was leaving he hadn’t showed up. You know Modo is a very naughty young man. I wouldn’t be surprised if he got busted by the cops.” Aegeus putting his arm around her shoulders, “At least we got one sane daughter, Klara…and most of all…we have each other.”

Oh how she loved her husband’s attention. He truly loved her. He was blinded by his love that he never realized the obvious. For starters, Modo!…the fact that Modo was darker than the solar eclipse was lost on him. The fact that Modo was so short even his shadow was taller…was lost on Aegeus. Mrs Aegeus had had plenty of pens dips in her ink pot and it was obvious Modo was a different breed of wino!

It’s not that she was adulterous it’s just that she was not left with an option. Aegeus has been adamant about saving himself for retirement. She was tolerant. She was patient. She didn’t mind doing the crossword puzzle in her honeymoon night. She loved him dearly and to a point believed in his Pension and Penis retirement benefit plan. But she had itches that needed to be scratched and a toe nail needed to be clipped. As his companies conglomerated so did she. He was so gullible that he believed that one of his plentiful wet dreams fertilized her…twice…

It was that gullibility that made him believe his wife. After she complained about modo...she informed Aegeus that she was going to meet some of her pals in carni for a quick drink. Little did Aegeus know but she was looking for their young neighbour BoyFlani-Modo’s pal. Secret lovers is what they were. They shouldn’t be together but they can’t let go cause what they feel is oh so real Well…what was real was the pregnancy stick turning blue early that morning. She was in trouble. Boyflani was half her height, a third of her age, had a quarter of her I.Q and a sixth of her bedroom stamina. Not to mention the choir-prefect to the school that she was Headmistress in.

Now the problem is…Bomseh is who Mrs Aegeus been sleeping with. Bomseh is Modo’s best pal. Bomseh is Boyflani’s older bro.….Boyflani knows about Bomseh. Bomseh doesn’t know his baby brother been tappin his Mrs Aegeus. Who is the father? …

TO BE CONTINUED!